Friday, 23 December 2011

Christmas, the time for make-believe anyway..

"Music Bank K-Pop Festival : Cancellation of February 9th due to technical and schedule problems. The show on Feb 8 is maintained.

The Music Bank-K-Pop Festival in Paris is a production that requires a lot of infrastructure and logistics. More than was expected. We won’t be able to exit the venue without affecting their operational schedule; 

We are therefore obligated to cancel the show scheduled on February 9th. The tickets can be refunded or exchanged for the 8th feb show where they were purchased."

- source: Music Bank K-Pop Festival à Paris on Facebook

Guess I should've been nicer this year.. ;~;

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

사랑해 바라볼 수만 있는 곳이라면...

Whenever I come across videos like the one below my heart always breaks a little ;~; 
The ache is physical and I feel like curling up in a ball under my covers and not come out until it's time to jump on that plane and fly over there. I don't wanna be here, I wanna be there. Now.

I'm used to longing and wanting but I have never had a place steal my heart like this place has done. I would leave tomorrow if you told me I could move there, no shit, and if you know me at all you'll know how uncharacteristic of me that statement is!
I'm a homebody and a creature of habit and my sense of practical adventure is forever blocked by my insecure personality, but for this.. I wouldn't think twice.

I have spent hours pondering what it is about this place that has gotten so deeply under my skin, and sure, you can pull the adoption card but I really feel like it's so much more than that.
I'm at peace with my family situation, so it's not like I'm hoping to run into them on the streets, and it's not like I feel "at home" over there, in fact I've never felt as foreign as in Korea! 
And I've always loved travelling in general and been curious about other places and cultures and people so I think I would've loved it no matter what. I'm not trying to ignore that my adoption does play a role, and obviously that's what brought us over there in the first place.
But for the most part it's that... Je ne sais quoi~ 

It might also mean something that it's so far away. It's not like other European destinations I've longed to get back to. With that I know it's just a matter of little funds and little time and then I can make it happen if I really want to. 
Korea's different... 
I have to save for a year, if not more. I have to fly forever no matter what, but the worst thing is that because it's so expensive and my pension is what it is forever, I never know if the last trip was the last trip. 
And I'm so not done with that place, not by a long shot..

Why are you so far away...

심장에 닿은 이 화살은 이젠 내 몸 같겠죠
죽을 만큼 너무 아파도
내 맘에 박힌 그대를 꺼낼 수 없네요
사랑이라서 난 사랑이라서~

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

What's the rush?

A/N: This is the first post I've written over days and I not sure it's not a complete incoherent mess.

Wednesday November 2nd I had a date to go spend the day with The Knitting Club. It's two of my girls, and with both of them on maternity leave these days it's easy to set up these things during the day. We do this sometimes because all three of us like to do creative projects whether it be sewing, knitting, crocheting, re-vamping furniture, anything crafty, really. And we like to hang out.
These are always very nice dates and even if I don't have very many projects I love spending time with these girls and talk and gossip.

Before I had to go I did have this "Ugh, I wish I could just stay in all day" feeling but to be honest I can have that feeling any old day, especially if I know there's something going on online I don't wanna miss out on. It's horrible. But out the door I went, but as soon as I sat in the car I started crying and I basically bawled the rest of the day, except for the 4-5 hours I spent with the girls.

So once again I was sobbing when poor hubby came home, but this time I was worried because there didn't seem to be any particular reason.
Now, I've cried for no reason many times before but that usually just means that the reason is less obvious/more suppressed. Same with this time because in my endless soul-searching and "Wtf what is this what's going on" it suddenly hit me. Suddenly all the pieces fit.


Sometimes you can wonder how you can miss something that's smacking you in the face, but I guess that's survival instinct for you. The art of denial.

The feeling of being overwhelmed, insomnia but also not being able to feel fully rested no matter how many hours I slept, I was having the worst time concentrating and focusing on things, and I was an even bigger procrastinator than usual and neglected stuff around the house, I've been anxious (again more than usual), felt alone, been noshing (AGAIN MORE THAN USUAL!), and of course the memory and time loss. I'm usual super anal about writing things down in my day-planner and keeping dates and appointments, but things had just been slipping through pretty huge cracks.


After the wedding was over and done with in June, the rest of my summer was a happy, relaxed period of time where I was free to do pretty much what I wanted, and what I wanted besides being with friends and family, was to be online and talk and spazz for hours on end with all my girls about all my boys. 

But with a time filled with energy and emotional surplus it's easy - oh, so easy, even for me - to forgot that there's a reason I'm not working, so slowly, but surely I got myself worked up into a pace where I really can't stay for long. Only I did. 
And I kept pushing forward under the wiles of "being busy" and "that's life" and especially "Isn't everyone?".
Physical counter-reaction in 3 - 2 - 1...

I once read a very poignant definition of stress that really resonated for me.
Stress: When you're expected to give or do more than you have to offer~
And this is exactly where I was.

Now, I have been down before in my life, way down, and since I'm not ever (E.V.E.R.) gonna be that again I obviously took it very seriously and Wednesday turned into Thursday as hubby and I sorted and prioritized and cut away all unnecessary stuff from my calendar, but most of all from my guilty conscience.

Because as it turned out I had two major issues.

1) I'm afraid people will leave me unless I give them what they want even if it's not what I want. I have the hardest time saying no and turning down people or even just voicing a different opinion, so usually I will wear myself a little (it used to be 'a lot' so..) thinner than I'd like to please others #iSuck

And I had so many emails I needed to return, people waiting on me in all kinds of different matters. A couple of people had randomly approached me wanting to talk about adoption, something I'm more than happy to do (I know how much it means to have people to talk things over with in this matter) but it is an emotional roller coaster and at that time I was way too overwhelmed already to go down that lane. Still I couldn't bring myself to say no.
At least not until the stress part dawned on me, and from that point on it was surprisingly easy to tell people "Sorry, I can't right now cos I'm trying to avoid going completely under with stress".

Not ever again..

B) This was a much more painful realization than 1). I had to face the fact that my love for the boy was stressing me out ;~; 
Maybe I'll write an entire post about Twitter one day, but fact is that that place can be both a curse and a blessing. It's a place that never sleeps and because of SHINee's insane all-over-the-world schedule and time differences I felt myself getting more and more stressed. 
I didn't wanna miss out on anything and I felt stressed when I had to go to bed at 5am, and I woke up feeling stressed and rushing to the pc because what if I had missed something while wasting my time sleeping? 
 (btw is that cat watching TV??)

So I had a serious grown-up talk with myself where I reminded me that it really isn't going to literally kill me if I miss out on a picture or a video. It's not like I don't have a million already. I took a cold-turkey break and then shortly thereafter my old pc chose to finally crash and burn after months of fun threats and that gave me an even longer, more relaxed break. 
In the following weeks I only had our media center pc (don't ask me to get technical but it's like a pc we use instead of a DVD recorder and Bluray player, meaning Internet access but no downloading what so ever!) and although my thoughts were on Twitter and all that a lot in the beginning it was also nice to get a break and for once have time to read and watch Korean TV shows and just relax. 

And in the end the break did it's trick. Now that I have my new pc up and running I do still check Twitter whenever I'm home, but I'm not stressed about backtracking and I can go off and do other stuff in the meantime. I do accept that it holds an interest for me so if I have to focus on something else I close the tabs so it doesn't split my focus.
But it doesn't have that same hold on me anymore.

I'm going to Germany in a couple of hours, and I'll be gone 5 days because after Germany we're also gonna swing by the in-laws and say Merry Christmas since we're spending this year with my side of the family, and although I know I'll miss the girls and lots of stuff cos I'm not crazy enough to backtrack 5 days!, I'm fine.

And actually I'm doing okay in general now. I'm still not back on long emails and all that. I'm doing the no-strings-attached thing right now, and I'm slowly getting to a place where I can be relaxed with that. 
For me at least, it's important to remember that dealing with stress is not only putting on the breaks, but also about getting re-jazzed so there's energy to take on the full scale of my world and not just be content with the bare necessities. And the way I do that is by doing stuff that I want. If that means reading dirty stories all day when there's a huge pile of dishes, then that's what I'll do. And then I'll do the dishes tomorrow. It's not like they're going anywhere unfortunately

- and no, that wasn't a stab at hubby He's been nothing but loving and supportive and he's just happy I'm doing better - and sometimes he does the dishes even though he is home late from work

And even though December's schedule has been maddening the steps I took have worked and in the silver lining in all this mess has definitely been the reassurance that I have actually come enough of a way that I'm able to take care of myself. I don't need therapy to get through even more serious crises. Yay, me ;~;

Now if only I could learn to not stress about not buying every stupid thing that's released...

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

I ♥ drugs

So, yesterday was D-day.

I had to be at the hospital at 9:30 although the nurse told me I was 3rd on the OR schedule that day, so it probably wouldn't be my turn until a little after noon. But in case of cancellations or whatever they liked to have people in early to avoid gaps. Well, fine with me. Not like I had other plans..

I was barely keeping it together all morning, and once at the hospital I had to tell poor Mads, who likes to ask a lot of questions when he's interested and concerned, that he weren't allowed to ask me anything unless I said so. It was freaking me out, and when the sweet nurse asked me if I was okay I started to cry.
But that helped a little, and then we waited...
When we arrived she had already told me that the schedule had changed because there had been an emergency C-section first thing in the morning, so we had all been bumped for that. Oh well.

Side note: Why, oh, why must hospital underwear be how they are?!? >___<

At a little to 11 she came back to inform me that the person in front of me in line had just been wheeled down to the OR, so the delay shouldn't be that bad after all. And then we waited..

And waited, but finally at 13:45 she came back and said they'd called up from the OR to let them know that I should stand by. She said that after that call patients were usually brought down within 45 minutes, but she had only just finished her sentence when two orderlies came to wheel me off! D:
And then it was all so sudden and I didn't get to say bye to Mads or anything :'(

Getting wheeled through those corridors, laying there staring up at that white ceiling rushing by, knowing that I might have seen Mads for the last time (yes, I'm a drama queen but it's not like shit never happens at hospitals after all)... I wanted to jump out of bed and just make a run for it!

I got parked outside the OR and after the orderlies left I just started bawling, I was so scared.
A nurse stopped and comforted me (I don't even think she was on my surgery team?) and I felt a little better. Another nurse came by and comforted me and I felt a little better.
Then the anesthesiology nurse came out and walked me through everything. He was very nice (hi, Michael ^^) and he had warm hands. I felt a little better.

Then I came in and climbed on the table, (a little hard to do in a graceful way with short legs and no underwear on -____-) and then all the prep began. Sweet Michael started filling me with all the good pre-drugs, and finally I stopped crying *u*
Mind you this was not 'feeling dizzy and high' drugs, this was just 'feeling sleepy and not caring' drugs AND THEY WORKED.

I don't know if it was nerves or the drugs but my saliva production apparently stopped and my mouth was seriously dry throughout and I kept "smacking my tongue" (sorry, don't know what that's called in any language, but you know how you do if your mouth is dry, right?) but nothing! >.<

What hurt the most was getting the line put in for the drugs, and that didn't really hurt. I've had a million blood tests done by now and donated blood before the blood pressure meds, so I'm used to it.

The procedure itself was a breeze. Seriously. Everything went smoothly and according to plan. The fibroid was "quite large" aka 2cm x 2cm and took up most of the back wall of the uterus, whatever that means. But it was easy to get out so ┐('~`)┌
I kept anticipating when the pain would start, but it never came. Of course I could still feel what was going on, some pressure and light pinching, but no pain. The cauterization was the thing I felt the most, but it never hurt. It was just a warmth like if you pee yourself ^^

So I had plenty of time to concentrate on staying awake. I thought it would've been so embarrassing to fall asleep! What if I had started snoring really loud?! >.< I have a weird thing about snoring cos everyone always comments on it, and I have the worst sleep when we have overnight guests OML
I even had time to think about some pretty, ahem, unexpected things..

And as soon as Michael stopped pushing the drugs it wore off in minutes and even before they'd finish cleaning me up and unhooking me to all the stuff, my head was clear again!!!
OH HAPPY FUCKING DAY *\o/* I was almost crying tears of joy when I was being wheeled back to my room! I was so clear I didn't even need to go to post-OR!

Okay, I'm done

And the first thing I asked the nurse when I got back to the room was "When can I go home?!". She told me I had to get up and walk around for a bit, but then a doc could consult and if I got the go-ahead I could go home.
I then asked if I could put on my own underwear (including the pad I brought from home because I've been to the hospital before and their pads? #DNW) and it was all good.
Then I wandered up and down the hallway for 30 minutes, but still no doc in sight. I did gather though that they were right in the middle of their changing of the guards, so I gave them a little time. And then we waited..

Suddenly Mads remembered that our parking license had expired by now, and that made me go ask at the nurses station if I could get that consult so we could avoid a huge parking fine!
Doc came a looked at me and said all looked fine, so as soon as the nurse had been by to remove the line from my hand (I still had the saline drip hanging on) I was free to leave. Yay! And then we waited..

We decided that since it was getting close Mads should go get the car because we were parked a million miles away, and then I would just come down when I was done. So he left, and then I waited..
Then it got dark and I got tired of waiting. Seriously, I could've just pulled that thing out myself! So once again I went and bugged the nurses and asked if one of them had time to pull it out so I could blow this pop stand!

From I was wheeled down to surgery and until I was back in the room, it took all of 70 minutes. To get that doctor's consult and get the line in my hand removed took more than ONE AND A HALF. FLIPPIN. HOURS! >.< And that was only cos I went and bugged them twice!
But finally free!!! *\o/*

And then it was straight home to make dinner!!!! GAAAAH ALMOST 24 HOURS WITHOUT FOOD WTFFF!! D: I was practically disappearing! But lots of delicious pasta/broccoli/avocado/tomato/mushroom/spring onions/chicken noms later I was hungreh no more ^^
And a few days of recuperating and the cramps should be gone. And it's not bad, really. So far no meds have been necessary.

Oh, and since everything went fine with the operating part he put in the new IUD while in there! Woot, sexy times!!! *\o/* Well, as soon as I stop bleeding. Last time that took a fun 5-6 months to be completely over...........

The last thing to do before bed felt strange. Besides our families I actually had people that I needed to let know how everything had gone. People who had been praying for me and wishing me well. Sweet caring loving people who remembered and who was eager to know :3 I'm not really used to that...

Thank you, my lovelies

The only remnant of yesterday (along with my bloody pad but I'll spare you the gore muahaha). If only all surgeries could be like that.

If only all drugs could be like that...

Wednesday, 9 November 2011


Yesterday I ate a small tin of sweetcorn. 

Since my insulin count..number..thing is through the roof and I'm 2 seconds away from developing diabetes I shouldn't be anywhere near sweetcorn or carbs in general, let alone eating it. I know this, yet I ate the entire tin. Granted, it was only, like, 120-130 grams, but still.

Why is it so difficult to do the things I know I should?

The things I want to do because I agree it's best for me, yet.. I don't. 
Like stay away from stupid sweetcorn when you know it could give you a life-long disease, or just diet in general. Or not even diet, just...stop the goddamn snacking. FML
Or get off my ass once in a while and..move. Lose weight, get in shape, live happily ever after..

Why is it so hard to make myself a priority?

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

C'est la vie~!

So. Guess who's going to Paris, again? To see SHINee, again? To flail incoherently over Taemin, AGAIN?? Yup, none other, even though I'd sworn on my mother's grave that I would not set foot in that verdammte city for the next 465734 years at least!
FYI mom's still very much alive and kicking which might have been why that didn't work?

So a week ago hubby and I once again found ourselves parked in front of each of our computers - him at work though, so we had to Skype - and at exactly 10 we battled the usual crashing issues when anything kpop related is put up.

But dammit if we didn't win and got tickets for both shows! FYEAH *\o/*

For those of you in the not-know, one of Korea's biggest (if not the biggest?) broadcasting networks, KBS has a weekly music chart show, Music Bank, and in February 2012 they're making a special edition called K-Pop Festival Music Bank In Paris.

They're bringing over some of the currently big names (not all so don't go name droppin', kay?) in kpop including Girls' Generation, SISTAR, U-Kiss, B2ST, 4MINUTE, 2PM, T-ara and of course SHINee.
It'll be a 3 hour show with 4-6 songs per group, plus special stages.

Unlike with SMTown where there were just 6000+ tickets per night this will be held in Bercy, France's largest indoor venue which can hold 18000. Why on earth SMTown went to Zenith is a mystery.
The 'festival' will take place over two days meaning there were an impressing 36000 tickets up for sale. I checked today (111109) and there're still tix available for both days.

I don't like crowded pits but for the sake of future kpop ventures into Europe I really hope they will sell out or at least fill up nicely so it doesn't seem like a flop..

This here is a picture of the seating categories and the expected stage lay-out which came in very handy when we had to plan and choose our seats.

Since I'm desperate for some decent cams a guy advised me to go with seated tix for the first night and then pit tix for the last night. That way we can scope out the show, see how they dance and who goes where thank god for kpop being so completely choreographed pretty much down to the last wave and plan where to stand in the pit.
Plus if the seats are good we might even be able to shoot some fairly decent cams from a steady seated position.

So for the first show on the 8th we went with Cat 1, seated. We're on the 8th row, I know that much, but I'm a little confused as to which side of the "99,40 Euros" we're gonna be. It was suppose to be on the right side so we wouldn't see backs, but it's a little confusing because the different pictures and charts we've looked at have  been mirrored on occasions so maybe we got it on the wrong side after all?
Time will tell, and I can tell you you become a lot more meh when you have pit tix for the next day and can be exactly where you want! :p

Second day is pit day aka 'debout' on the picture. I hope we'll be the only people in there.. Or at least I hope it'll be like with SMTown where you can get fairly close even without being squished by screaming, jumping, cam disturbing crazy ass fangirls!
Obviously pit involves a lot of queueing which <insert sarcasm> should be real fun in February Paris!!
Fortunately the clever tix guy - who happens to be the one who wrote the confirmed article and knows what there is to know about this event, and with who I've been emailing back and forth with ever since - he told me that the bus-pool buses from France, Belgium, Switzerland and Germany are scheduled to arrive at 4pm meaning if we just queue sometime before that it should be good. We don't have to be there from 10 in the morning or something crazy like that.
Since our hotel is literally a 5 min. walk across a bridge from the venue it should be fairly easy to be somewhat on top of that.

We're gonna buy some new digital cameras. We sold the old ones after SMTown, and this time we're gonna buy the new ones so they can just be returned to the store when we come back. Such a hassle having to re-sell last time -_____________-
We're also gonna try to get some where the autofocus doesn't suck major ass..

So now we're just waiting impatiently for February. Of course it won't be a boring wait, far too much to do for that, like, gift shopping and Christmas, New Year's, our birthdays and 90 percent of our entire families' birthdays! Yup, tis the season to be busy..

(づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ I can't believe I get to see him again~

Saturday, 15 October 2011


Come what may~ 

Today I went to the hospital

In the summer of '08 it was discovered that I have high blood pressure and because of that being on the pill could kill me at any second! Or something like that... So I decided to get a hormone IUD (hormone coil) instead. Expensive, but it would last for 5 years, and I would be free of the whole "Did I remember to take my pill today??" and "Wait, why does my next pill say 'Wednesday' when today's Thursday??". If you're not on it you'd be surprised at how difficult it can be to remember sometimes! Or maybe I'm just a scatter brain...

So in January '09 (yes, things were moving at the speed of light, ahem) I finally got the coil put in, but not before having been to a specialist because during the gyno's preliminary examination and scan he discovered what turned out to be three fibroids. 
Now if you don't know what that is, lookie here~

They are some sort of "muscle knots" (medical personnel, feel free to correct me), and about 30% of women have/get them. Usually not until later on, but for women in their 60s and 70s the numbers are as high as 50-75% (Disclaimer: This is just how I remember the numbers from years ago. Do not use as facts!), so the main unusual part about this seems to be my age. 
They're not malignant, and if not in the way they can just remain and grow, and in old ladies they can get so big it can look like an early pregnancy!
But if they protrude into the uterus, like the one on the right, they can cause heavy irregular periods and problems conceiving, and it's not a good idea to stuff a coil up in there with these guys already taking up space.

I had one in the wall that were allowed to stay, but the rest had to go, so off to the specialist I went. He used local anesthesia and cut and burned as much of it out as he possibly could. I don't tolerate morphine, and by the end the pain was too much so eventually he didn't get to cut out as much as he would've liked, but enough for me to get the IUD. 
It hurt like a sonofabitch and I felt like puking my guts out from the pain killers.

But I got my IUD and it worked brilliantly for two years. My periods almost disappeared into nothing because the hormones causes the endometrium to reduce significantly, and I was a happy camper! *\o/*

About 5 periods ago, from one cycle to the next, they became SUPER heavy! We're talking gushing, like, blood running down my legs, ruining chairs, carpets, clothes no matter how many Super Plus pads I was wearing (usually 2-3 at a time!). I sat on plastic bags in the car because you can't just throw a car seat in to the washer if it becomes soaked, and I literally had 2-3 days a period where I didn't leave the apartment because I had to stay near the bathroom.
Of course I thought "Wth?!" and that I'd better get it checked out. Maybe it had moved askew or maybe it had run out of hormones. I couldn't remember when I'd had it put in.

Cut to four months later and me finally getting my ass in gear and calling the gyno for a check up. 
I go there, he scans me, and then he tells me it has moved alright. RIGHT OUT OF THERE O.O 

Let's just say these gifs do a perfect job at portraying my reaction! "Huh?????", "You're kidding me!" and "...."
His theory is that my endometrium has gotten big and fat because I am big and fat (my words! He was a little more PC), and fat in women produces oestrogen (growth hormone) that makes the membrane grow. And during a period this stuff has flushed out the IUD....
"So what you're saying is that I've been protectionless for that past 4 or however many months???" ..... For a sec there I was thinking to myself, "Well, damn, then maybe it's not all just junk food and sitting on my ass!", but then the fog lifted a bit and I reminded myself that I've had my periods regularly. He concurred, but that was a fun split second...
Long story short, we're either damn lucky or have problems conceiving! 

Obviously we scheduled an appointment for me to get a new IUD, but when I came back in for that on Monday he did another scan and discovered a new "bump". So no new IUD and this time I have to have it removed at the hospital. 
Frankly, I was too chicken to ask if it's because it's bigger or more severe this time >.<

/freak out time with the bad experience still very much at the front of my memory~

Fortunately the hospital had a cancellation so I could go in for the prelim today. It took about 2½ hours with talking with the doctor, blood tests, EKG, meeting with anesthesiologist, and then back to the doc with my now full file. 
It will be a non-admit surgery under local anesthesia, but in case of complications they would like the opportunity to put me under which I agreed to, and so I had to meet with the anesthesiologist just in case. 
It's gonna be the same doc I talked to today who'll perform the surgery, so I'm happy about that. He was very nice and had great experience. 

Oh yeah, one final thing. To help ensure the best result possible, I got a hormone shot that will put me into menopause.......! -______- 
It takes four weeks to work properly which is why we have to wait. It goes in and shrinks the endometrium, like the IUD would, so the doctor can have a clearer view of what to cut out.
The hormone injection comes with all the usual side effects that goes along with menopause. Hello, hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings! Of course I started to look for signs of anything right away! "Am I getting hot?? What was that?? Am I sweating????". 

As far as the mood swings go I was, like, "So what you're saying is, business as usual???".___. Hubby couldn't stop laughing about it in the car, and we're already joking around. Every time I say something snippy and/or impatient (which is pretty much all the time) he looks at me and says "Is that a mood swing??? Are you having a mood swing now???" Bastard :D
It should be a fun four weeks^^

The operation is set for Nov. 14th. 

I'm not scared of..I don't even know. What I'm dreading is the anesthesia and pain killers and nausea and puking and spinning and the hangover-times-ten feeling >_____< 
My past three surgeries (yes, I've had more than that OML) at least have been hellish because of how bad the anesthesia and pain meds have made me feel afterwards, and I don't wanna feel like that again ;~;

Of course I'm not exactly looking forward to the pain itself, but that's minor compared to the other stuff. Like with a real hangover only time can make those things go away, while the pain can be stopped with a single word.
So should you believe in some sort of god, I wouldn't mind a shout out. Not that I'm a believer, but the caring helps..

A/N: When I say "TMI" I'm not kidding, huh?

Thursday, 13 October 2011

The Gap..

Since writing this post I have thought a lot about the whole issue of feeling lonely - not to be confused with alone. I don't feel alone.
Like I said earlier that was a post about my feelings and an image of how I felt in that moment. Feelings change and I have been fighting the urge to go back in and change the post, but I decided to let it be. I decided when I started this blog that I wasn't gonna be about disclaimers and apologies (unless necessary of course). This is my blog and I'm perfectly within my right to say what I want here. 

As long as I say what's in my heart I shouldn't have anything to apologize for it.

Instead, if I feel like anything needs correction or clarification or if circumstances change I will do what I'm doing here, write another post and leave the earlier moment in time as it was.

The edit for Loneliness? I don't feel lonely anymore. Well, I do, but not so much and emotionally I'm out of my hole.

My friends. In person I'm a very shy and insecure person and in truth I haven't made friends with anyone who wasn't somehow placed in my life by other circumstances than my advances. I have a handful of friends I grew up with and lived next door to and since I'm the oldest we have been friends their whole lives. In truth I consider both them and their families family, and I feel very lucky. I am not alone. 
But we grew up as sisters and shared very close bonds. When people got older and got boyfriends and jobs and moved out and away we had to somewhat redefine our friendships, at least I think so. We all still live within 30 mins by car of each other, but obviously it's not the same. The bond had to change because you couldn't just drop by without even knocking anymore any time of day, and suddenly we had to schedule our time together. 
And with the edition of kids in to the mix it just became even more crucial to get things down on paper.

Today we all meet about once a month (some of us also get together in a "Mommy group" about once a month during the day. I got in on an exemption ;P), just the girls, no husbands and if at all possible no kids or babies. It's girl-talk time. Besides that we see each other separately, sometimes with hubbys in tow, or just one on one (or two) because that's nice, too^^ 

I think that what overwhelmed me in part those weeks ago were just the simple fact that I miss my friends. In the obvious way because I hadn't seen them (all of them and all at once) in weeks. Busy lives are busy, and when we don't make new appointments when we see each other time tends to fly by, and before you know it it's been 3-4-5 weeks since last time.

But sometimes I also just miss the closeness I used to feel with those girls, and my heart won't accept that we can't still be like this even though we're all grown up now. 
I blame Sex And The City -_____-

And they do ask how I'm doing when I see them, but first of all I'm an insecure personality that has an insatiable yearning for love and affection. I don't like too much attention, but to feel like people are interested in me is something I can never get too much of. 
And no, I'm not some narcissist, I'm just adopted.

I've thought a lot about it and when they ask, often I don't really know how to answer that. It's not because I feel bad, on the contrary that would be the easiest thing in the world for me to share about. (Obviously unless it's something in relations to them I feel bad about >.<)
It's that I've come to the realization that in many ways our lives have taken different turns because I didn't take the conventional route, and now I see a gap I don't know how to bridge, and I'm scared to death it will end up being a disconnect that can't be corrected once the kids get older and free up some head space..

SHINee and kpop and that type of fandom, and just Korea for that matter is a whole world they know nothing about, and I don't know how to talk to them about where I am right now without it sounding completely out of context and making no sense. 
To be honest sometimes I also try to avoid it because it usually causes people in general to react with such a level or surprise and incomprehension that it makes me uncomfortable and like I'm being judged. I know all of this is very unusual over here, but it's still just guys and music and stories.

I know I said that sometimes you can tell if people don't want to know everything you have to say even if they haven't said anything, and I stand by that, but I'm not ashamed to admit my side in this. I may want to blab about my latest Taemin purchase or SHINee's comeback or spazz about the Lucifer JP pictures, but I don't. I talk about the things in my life I know they'll be able to relate to, and that's the problem in a nutshell because these days that isn't saying much.

And don't get me wrong. Not even in my wildest fantasy do I see myself fan spazzing with the girls over SHINee and Taemin, it's not like that. That would be fake. I'm just talking an interest deep enough for people to remember and to ask about it on their own, like you do if someone told you the last time about problems with a co-worker. Next time you see them most friends will then ask "How's that going?" on their own. Like that. So I wouldn't have to feel like I'm stuffing uninteresting things down their throat. 

So maybe the loneliness has nothing to do with them not asking, but more with me left feeling like I never share what I love, but on account of me.
So I, too, probably aid more to the problem than the solution - whatever that may be - but such is life right now. And it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or make me feel lonely sometimes.

But like I said, the crisis is over for now, and today is smooth sailing~
Some of it has to do with the fact that in this moment I don't have a single email or comment or message that needs to be answered (only a letter, but that's another story), my Lucifer JPs are on their way to me, I've had time to read more lately *\o/*, boys are back home - which I realize can mean either Korea or Japan, but at least it's in the same time zone!
Customs are still being assholes, holding on to my packages so that part is business as usual but it's amazing what can become your 'normal'.

But mostly I'm happy these days because my bb's back!!! :DDDD My love from Lithuania and I didn't talk all summer but she's back afgafsafhjhjasd GDI and I couldn't be happier :333 Her MIA has definitely also contributed to my loneliness so of course her return can also make me forget all about it :D

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Version 1

So, remember that not so gorgeous plain white wall I showed you what feels like a million years ago? Actually it was just about 1½ months ago, but time moves fast and I move slow, so I didn't get to show you the finished project until today.

Because the wall is now gorgeous~

Now, I had this plan all along, but as I said life's busy and I'm the hugest procrastinator. Not a very 'go getter' combo, so this took some time.

But then one night the hubby went out to watch football (the real kind, not to be confused with the American version) and I had the whole afternoon/evening to myself, and while avoiding other stuff that needed to be done I suddenly got the great idea to FINALLY finish my wall project!

So this is what hubby came home to~^^

I told you it was gorgeous

And yes, they are picture print-outs because you can't buy a decent poster to save your life! Of course this also means that you can get the exact image you want, and you don't cry blood if it rips or gets creased. Plus, there's more than enough of other stuff to spend money on, but more on that at a later date.

Since I had tons of copies left over I decided to fill out the opposite wall as well!

And yes, yes, on second thought I should've removed my bra before taking this picture, but I was too consumed with getting the picture before I lost the light.

And my beloved chicken, held in my loving arms all the way from Seoul :3 Who knew there's a thing with Taemin and white chicken? Must be fate...
Oh, and I bought it a bookstore! Can you believe they have these sorts of wonderfulness in bookstores over there?! Can you blame me for wanting to go back, really??

PS. No extra points for guessing what's on TV :p

And FYI I lived with hubby's HR Giger posters (yes, those exact 3 posters) for 10+ years so he's more than on board with a little Taem.

I really like the apartment now. Of course as soon as it was all up I wanted to change some out for newer pictures. So we're calling this version 1.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011


Monday marked the two year anniversary since I asked Holt to look for my parents. I have it in my calender so it's not like I haven't seen it pop up over the past couple of weeks when planning my days, and it's been cool. You know, 'Okay, wow, already? Hmm.' and then on to other stuff.
But then on Monday, the actual day, it suddenly pushed me down a hole I'm still not fully out of. Not so much because of the anniversary itself, but this is me: Once something makes a crack in my armor stuff starts pouring out.

I don't really know what's wrong with me these days. I think..I'm lonely - which always saddens and puzzles me that one can feel that way in the midst of a wonderful life filled with friends and family.
But Monday brought to the surface the feeling of loneliness because no one (for PC reasons, no, we're not talking 100%, but maybe 98%..) ever seems to take a deeper interest in my life just because I don't have a job or kids. At least that's the assumption I make because they manage fine to ask around amongst the other kiddy infested families. Of course that's mostly baby talk but still...
No one ever ask about me and my life and my stuff. I mean, you know, people ask 'How are you', but then that's pretty much it. I know you should be careful about reading stuff into people, but sometimes you really can tell if they're interested in details or just big picture. 
Then on to something baby-related most likely.
And I get that babies take over your life and head space, but still. If other people than your baby matter to you you should still make an effort to take an interest in them.
I think I'm just (once again) surprised because even if I now nothing about something I will feel interested to know more or ask about it if it's something that a close friend or family member is very interested in. But no one ever asks or care about Korea or k-anything or SHINee or Taemin or nothing... 

Which is also why when this girl not only asked about it, but also complimented them, it meant more to me than she will ever know

And I know like, mom and dad wants to know more in-depth, but they are just the worst at not sounding judgemental when you talk about stuff they don't understand/can't relate to. It's not mean-spirited, but oh lord. Like they were wide-eyed shocked to hear I haven't watched TV in 9 months (okay, that kinda shocks me, too, since I used to watch TV for hours every day :D), except for major stuff like our recent general election (or rather we had the TV on in the background to follow the polls as the evening progressed) and the Japan tsunami, but I think that's it? They were like, 'You don't keep up with the world at all?!' :O 
But of course I do, I just use online news since I'm already on the computer. Plus it's not like I don't watch stuff for entertainment's sake. I just watch it online because what I like to watch at the moment are Korean variety shows and TV programmes that's not on TV.
Or they call me teenage-silly and shake their heads if I start to open up and gush, or they tell me I need to get out more or grow up -___________- But actually most people give that vibe so it's not just mom and dad.

Anyways, so obviously I turn more to online friends who doesn't think I'm weird or pathetic because I have a real passion for something at 33 that's not a job or a poop machine! 
Sorry, I'm in a mood today. It's just, that as much as I love my online friends dearly, and they do mean so much to me, they're also a sad reminder that I can feel closer to people on the other side of the world than those around me :/
It's like I feel dependent on those online girls to be a place where I can let go of and express the happiness and excitement over the things that makes me feel that way. In my real life world around me, there's not room for that.
Obviously there is at home, and I'm really glad the hubby also likes all this stuff. So we do share that, too, but he's nowhere near the fangirl I am, and he needs a break once in a while! lol
And the whole age thing. Like I said, I haven't talked to a single girl online who hasn't been completely indifferent to my age or have found nothing odd in the age gap between me and my bias. Real world, wae u no like that? .___.

Oh, and I get royally annoyed when people around me get all 'Well, online friends can't be REAL friends. You never see them so how close can you really be??'. Me outside: explaining. Me inside: ._____. 
Saying stuff like that really pisses me off, plus it makes me slightly worried about my relationship with them. So what? If I move away so we can't just see each other whenever, we won't be friends any more?!? Urgh. Some people..
I believe that if you're willing to share and take an interest in the other person, of course you can built a strong friendship over the Internet that can be every bit as real as a face to face one.
It's like when people say, 'It's nothing personal'. Who was it that said, 'All that means is that it's not personal to you'? Yes, it's a Hollywood line, but that doesn't make it any less true. There are more sides to this world than just yours so stop being so goddamn narrow-minded! Please.
Did I mention I'm a mood today?

So yeah, I had a good cry today when hubby came home from work. Poor thing. Him: *comes through the door* 'Honey, I'm home! :D'. Me: ;~~~;  
So the sweetie made me Duck a l'Orange to cheer me up, and got me this doll-size caramel-nut-cake-thingy that was TO DIE FOR! You see how well he knows me?! We're the perfect match~

And along with the cry it sorta did the trick. But it's kinda like I said to hubby when the worst of the sobbing had passed, 'Time to get back to ignoring the facts of life'. It is what it is. I can't force people to be interested, so I can either a) Do nothing and feel horrible about it or 2) Try and accept it so I can move on - but still feel hurt about it because that's just who I am :3 

So I'm gonna try to do 2)

The holes are not fun, but often they do provide some sort of clarity because they're sorta 'the end of the rope' as far as ignoring/pushing aside some painful things goes. So when it does push me over the edge I'm often left with a 'Screw that, I'm done letting it get to me' feeling. Obviously it still hurts but I get some sort of 'Oh well, life's a bitch and then you die' feeling. LOL I know, it doesn't sound very positive but actually it is a good thing because if those are the facts why not try and have a good time while you're still here? Just because life's a bitch doesn't mean you have to be~

lol Not sure I explained that very well, but bottom line: It's good. And I'll get good again - or possibly even a little better than before ;)

If any of this makes you think I don't love all my friends and family you're wrong. I'm not butthurt or bitter (despite evidence to the contrary), I realize everyone's doing their best, and if you are one of aforementioned people who should happen to stumble upon this and feel hurt by my words, I'm sorry. 
I'm by no means claiming to be perfect in all this, but obviously this is not a discussion or an analysis, and the whole arguing whether or not I'm doing my part, and what can I do myself and all that stuff. 

This is not reason, just feelings. 

I'm just..'venting because I can (and I have to)' ~The clever Lia

Tuesday, 2 August 2011


See this~

Beautiful polish, isn't it? I got it in Korea a year ago and it turned out to be the most amazing subtle golden brown/pinkish (I know it looks mostly pink in the pictures) with an insane amount of SPARKLY shimmer (but only from certain angles) kick-ass nail polish.

It was love at first coat

Believe it or not, but this right there is a milestone. That's right, a milestone.

For as long as I can remember I've had the nervous habbit of biting my nails. A lot. And since I'm a very high-strung person suffering from anxiety they used to be half the size in the pictures.

I always saw it as a barometer. If I were in a good phase I would bite less, and vice versa. There was a difference, even if you had to be me to notice it. To everyone else they were always just pretty horrible and I've always been really ashamed of my nails.
I would always position my hands so the nails would be as hidden as possible and if I had to hold on to say, a pole on the bus I would always curl in my fingers so they wouldn't show to the people around me. I always hoped no one would notice when I had to shake hands with people. And so on.

Now, my psychological issues are not going anywhere, and I gave up the dream of those long, gorgeous, French manicured nails a long time ago. As an enticement my parents once promised me nearly US$100 in today's currency. That may not seem like a lot, but this was almost 20 years ago and a hundred bucks was like, months of allowance all at once!
All I had to do was grow my nails long enough so you could see them when my palms were facing up.

Of course I couldn't do it and my faith that I would ever have beautiful nails and hands were kinda burried forever.

Fast forward a couple of decades and almost half of that in therapy for various reasons I might blab about another time, but things slowly started to turn around. Or so my nails were telling me! Because suddenly I started noticing them getting longer one by one, and me not biting them. I didn't even have the urge to.
The left ring finger was the last to finally cave in after a couple of months of being the only one napped at.

Then came a couple of months of these tiny fragile nails breaking off for no good reason, and me having to start all over. In time they all recovered well though - which still amazes me because I know what they looked like! - and now they're all pretty solid.

So yesterday after having given myself a mani aka filed them down, I suddenly decided that today was gonna be the day. THE DAY. The day I had longed for all those years as a girl wanting to dress up as and looking up to all the Hollywood glamour stars with their beautiful hands waving on red carpets everywhere.

Today I was gonna put on a coat of nail polish on my fingernails. Because that is how well I'm doing.

Good enough for polish...

Monday, 18 July 2011

July 18th 2011...

Today this beautiful guy turns 18.

(Relax, he can look like this, too~

~ so don't get your panties in a bunch)

To put it mildly, this day has been highly anticipated by noonas around the world (although some of us couldn't care less!) as the day 이태민 would finally be legal! He's still not gonna have his coming-of-age day in Korea for a year or two, but such is the complexities of that culture.

I just hope they let him have time to do for himself today...

Birthday selca

태민아, 생일 축하 해요!^^


Friday, 15 July 2011

The Wall

Hmmmm.....Now what could this be...??

Something gorgeous~

What's that now?? It's doesn't look gorgeous, you say? Well......

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Saturday, 18 June 2011

110610 SMTown Paris, part 12

feel free to share if you find the pictures good enough for that, but DO NOT crop my watermark, DO NOT edit, and please re-up in full size. please credit.

other than that I hope you enjoy 

That's right, people. Things were coming to an end :(

The finale song was Sorry Sorry. Great choice that everyone could sing and dance along to - and we did!

I don't know what it is, but as usual Taemin looks a bit lost and searching at times when he's not with his close hyungs..

Not sure what the deal is with Jonghyun and that camera and what he's filming for, but there he was again lugging that thing around.

Oi, so lost >.<

No, their eyes aren't closed, they're just being Asian. That's how we look! ^^
(Why does no one find that funny?)

Stupid people waving their stupid signs in front of my good shot >.<

This girl kept waving her fan right in my line of sight of SHINee at the end, so not many shots turned out. Unfortunately I was too far away from her to bring it down. Another girl kept waving her balloon in front of me at the beginning, but she was close enough that I could flick it and make her understand it was blocking my view.

That's all, folks.

To sum up, BEST NIGHT EVER!! I really hope SM stop all that nonsense about Asia being their first priority and bring back SMTown soon. Or at least SHINee. Preferably a little closer this time so I don't have to fly >.<

If you have read every word and looked at all the pictures I am deeply honoured. THANK YOU for spending your time here while I reminisced and spazzed *bows*.
Let's go together next time because didn't this just sound like so much fun?!? :D