Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Loneliness


Monday marked the two year anniversary since I asked Holt to look for my parents. I have it in my calender so it's not like I haven't seen it pop up over the past couple of weeks when planning my days, and it's been cool. You know, 'Okay, wow, already? Hmm.' and then on to other stuff.
But then on Monday, the actual day, it suddenly pushed me down a hole I'm still not fully out of. Not so much because of the anniversary itself, but this is me: Once something makes a crack in my armor stuff starts pouring out.


I don't really know what's wrong with me these days. I think..I'm lonely - which always saddens and puzzles me that one can feel that way in the midst of a wonderful life filled with friends and family.
But Monday brought to the surface the feeling of loneliness because no one (for PC reasons, no, we're not talking 100%, but maybe 98%..) ever seems to take a deeper interest in my life just because I don't have a job or kids. At least that's the assumption I make because they manage fine to ask around amongst the other kiddy infested families. Of course that's mostly baby talk but still...
No one ever ask about me and my life and my stuff. I mean, you know, people ask 'How are you', but then that's pretty much it. I know you should be careful about reading stuff into people, but sometimes you really can tell if they're interested in details or just big picture. 
Then on to something baby-related most likely.
And I get that babies take over your life and head space, but still. If other people than your baby matter to you you should still make an effort to take an interest in them.
I think I'm just (once again) surprised because even if I now nothing about something I will feel interested to know more or ask about it if it's something that a close friend or family member is very interested in. But no one ever asks or care about Korea or k-anything or SHINee or Taemin or nothing... 


Which is also why when this girl not only asked about it, but also complimented them, it meant more to me than she will ever know


And I know like, mom and dad wants to know more in-depth, but they are just the worst at not sounding judgemental when you talk about stuff they don't understand/can't relate to. It's not mean-spirited, but oh lord. Like they were wide-eyed shocked to hear I haven't watched TV in 9 months (okay, that kinda shocks me, too, since I used to watch TV for hours every day :D), except for major stuff like our recent general election (or rather we had the TV on in the background to follow the polls as the evening progressed) and the Japan tsunami, but I think that's it? They were like, 'You don't keep up with the world at all?!' :O 
But of course I do, I just use online news since I'm already on the computer. Plus it's not like I don't watch stuff for entertainment's sake. I just watch it online because what I like to watch at the moment are Korean variety shows and TV programmes that's not on TV.
Or they call me teenage-silly and shake their heads if I start to open up and gush, or they tell me I need to get out more or grow up -___________- But actually most people give that vibe so it's not just mom and dad.


Anyways, so obviously I turn more to online friends who doesn't think I'm weird or pathetic because I have a real passion for something at 33 that's not a job or a poop machine! 
Sorry, I'm in a mood today. It's just, that as much as I love my online friends dearly, and they do mean so much to me, they're also a sad reminder that I can feel closer to people on the other side of the world than those around me :/
It's like I feel dependent on those online girls to be a place where I can let go of and express the happiness and excitement over the things that makes me feel that way. In my real life world around me, there's not room for that.
Obviously there is at home, and I'm really glad the hubby also likes all this stuff. So we do share that, too, but he's nowhere near the fangirl I am, and he needs a break once in a while! lol
And the whole age thing. Like I said, I haven't talked to a single girl online who hasn't been completely indifferent to my age or have found nothing odd in the age gap between me and my bias. Real world, wae u no like that? .___.


Oh, and I get royally annoyed when people around me get all 'Well, online friends can't be REAL friends. You never see them so how close can you really be??'. Me outside: explaining. Me inside: ._____. 
Saying stuff like that really pisses me off, plus it makes me slightly worried about my relationship with them. So what? If I move away so we can't just see each other whenever, we won't be friends any more?!? Urgh. Some people..
I believe that if you're willing to share and take an interest in the other person, of course you can built a strong friendship over the Internet that can be every bit as real as a face to face one.
It's like when people say, 'It's nothing personal'. Who was it that said, 'All that means is that it's not personal to you'? Yes, it's a Hollywood line, but that doesn't make it any less true. There are more sides to this world than just yours so stop being so goddamn narrow-minded! Please.
Did I mention I'm a mood today?


So yeah, I had a good cry today when hubby came home from work. Poor thing. Him: *comes through the door* 'Honey, I'm home! :D'. Me: ;~~~;  
So the sweetie made me Duck a l'Orange to cheer me up, and got me this doll-size caramel-nut-cake-thingy that was TO DIE FOR! You see how well he knows me?! We're the perfect match~


And along with the cry it sorta did the trick. But it's kinda like I said to hubby when the worst of the sobbing had passed, 'Time to get back to ignoring the facts of life'. It is what it is. I can't force people to be interested, so I can either a) Do nothing and feel horrible about it or 2) Try and accept it so I can move on - but still feel hurt about it because that's just who I am :3 


So I'm gonna try to do 2)


The holes are not fun, but often they do provide some sort of clarity because they're sorta 'the end of the rope' as far as ignoring/pushing aside some painful things goes. So when it does push me over the edge I'm often left with a 'Screw that, I'm done letting it get to me' feeling. Obviously it still hurts but I get some sort of 'Oh well, life's a bitch and then you die' feeling. LOL I know, it doesn't sound very positive but actually it is a good thing because if those are the facts why not try and have a good time while you're still here? Just because life's a bitch doesn't mean you have to be~


lol Not sure I explained that very well, but bottom line: It's good. And I'll get good again - or possibly even a little better than before ;)



If any of this makes you think I don't love all my friends and family you're wrong. I'm not butthurt or bitter (despite evidence to the contrary), I realize everyone's doing their best, and if you are one of aforementioned people who should happen to stumble upon this and feel hurt by my words, I'm sorry. 
I'm by no means claiming to be perfect in all this, but obviously this is not a discussion or an analysis, and the whole arguing whether or not I'm doing my part, and what can I do myself and all that stuff. 


This is not reason, just feelings. 


I'm just..'venting because I can (and I have to)' ~The clever Lia



6 comments:

nighttimefalls said...

I AM GIVING YOU THE BIGGEST VIRTUAL HUG EVER RIGHT NOW

please see your mail! <3

mhn7700 said...

LOVE YOU ♥♥♥ Thanks bb!^^

ELEANOR said...

Omg I can totally understand you ;~; who cares if people are doubting how close our online friendships are. they are still friendships :3 and tbh, I treasure my online friends more than real life friends :D

LEMME GIVE A GIANT MASSIVE HUG~ /hugs/ :3 <3

mhn7700 said...

IKR?! Who knows but us :3

And thanks bb ♥

The Byrd's Nest said...

You mean everything to me! You have actually become one of my dearest friends and the only thing missing is that I can't hug you in person!!!! Because I would just love to squish you:)

mhn7700 said...

I'm working on that one, Kim ;) ♥