Saturday, 15 October 2011


Come what may~ 

Today I went to the hospital

In the summer of '08 it was discovered that I have high blood pressure and because of that being on the pill could kill me at any second! Or something like that... So I decided to get a hormone IUD (hormone coil) instead. Expensive, but it would last for 5 years, and I would be free of the whole "Did I remember to take my pill today??" and "Wait, why does my next pill say 'Wednesday' when today's Thursday??". If you're not on it you'd be surprised at how difficult it can be to remember sometimes! Or maybe I'm just a scatter brain...

So in January '09 (yes, things were moving at the speed of light, ahem) I finally got the coil put in, but not before having been to a specialist because during the gyno's preliminary examination and scan he discovered what turned out to be three fibroids. 
Now if you don't know what that is, lookie here~

They are some sort of "muscle knots" (medical personnel, feel free to correct me), and about 30% of women have/get them. Usually not until later on, but for women in their 60s and 70s the numbers are as high as 50-75% (Disclaimer: This is just how I remember the numbers from years ago. Do not use as facts!), so the main unusual part about this seems to be my age. 
They're not malignant, and if not in the way they can just remain and grow, and in old ladies they can get so big it can look like an early pregnancy!
But if they protrude into the uterus, like the one on the right, they can cause heavy irregular periods and problems conceiving, and it's not a good idea to stuff a coil up in there with these guys already taking up space.

I had one in the wall that were allowed to stay, but the rest had to go, so off to the specialist I went. He used local anesthesia and cut and burned as much of it out as he possibly could. I don't tolerate morphine, and by the end the pain was too much so eventually he didn't get to cut out as much as he would've liked, but enough for me to get the IUD. 
It hurt like a sonofabitch and I felt like puking my guts out from the pain killers.

But I got my IUD and it worked brilliantly for two years. My periods almost disappeared into nothing because the hormones causes the endometrium to reduce significantly, and I was a happy camper! *\o/*

About 5 periods ago, from one cycle to the next, they became SUPER heavy! We're talking gushing, like, blood running down my legs, ruining chairs, carpets, clothes no matter how many Super Plus pads I was wearing (usually 2-3 at a time!). I sat on plastic bags in the car because you can't just throw a car seat in to the washer if it becomes soaked, and I literally had 2-3 days a period where I didn't leave the apartment because I had to stay near the bathroom.
Of course I thought "Wth?!" and that I'd better get it checked out. Maybe it had moved askew or maybe it had run out of hormones. I couldn't remember when I'd had it put in.

Cut to four months later and me finally getting my ass in gear and calling the gyno for a check up. 
I go there, he scans me, and then he tells me it has moved alright. RIGHT OUT OF THERE O.O 

Let's just say these gifs do a perfect job at portraying my reaction! "Huh?????", "You're kidding me!" and "...."
His theory is that my endometrium has gotten big and fat because I am big and fat (my words! He was a little more PC), and fat in women produces oestrogen (growth hormone) that makes the membrane grow. And during a period this stuff has flushed out the IUD....
"So what you're saying is that I've been protectionless for that past 4 or however many months???" ..... For a sec there I was thinking to myself, "Well, damn, then maybe it's not all just junk food and sitting on my ass!", but then the fog lifted a bit and I reminded myself that I've had my periods regularly. He concurred, but that was a fun split second...
Long story short, we're either damn lucky or have problems conceiving! 

Obviously we scheduled an appointment for me to get a new IUD, but when I came back in for that on Monday he did another scan and discovered a new "bump". So no new IUD and this time I have to have it removed at the hospital. 
Frankly, I was too chicken to ask if it's because it's bigger or more severe this time >.<

/freak out time with the bad experience still very much at the front of my memory~

Fortunately the hospital had a cancellation so I could go in for the prelim today. It took about 2½ hours with talking with the doctor, blood tests, EKG, meeting with anesthesiologist, and then back to the doc with my now full file. 
It will be a non-admit surgery under local anesthesia, but in case of complications they would like the opportunity to put me under which I agreed to, and so I had to meet with the anesthesiologist just in case. 
It's gonna be the same doc I talked to today who'll perform the surgery, so I'm happy about that. He was very nice and had great experience. 

Oh yeah, one final thing. To help ensure the best result possible, I got a hormone shot that will put me into menopause.......! -______- 
It takes four weeks to work properly which is why we have to wait. It goes in and shrinks the endometrium, like the IUD would, so the doctor can have a clearer view of what to cut out.
The hormone injection comes with all the usual side effects that goes along with menopause. Hello, hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings! Of course I started to look for signs of anything right away! "Am I getting hot?? What was that?? Am I sweating????". 

As far as the mood swings go I was, like, "So what you're saying is, business as usual???".___. Hubby couldn't stop laughing about it in the car, and we're already joking around. Every time I say something snippy and/or impatient (which is pretty much all the time) he looks at me and says "Is that a mood swing??? Are you having a mood swing now???" Bastard :D
It should be a fun four weeks^^

The operation is set for Nov. 14th. 

I'm not scared of..I don't even know. What I'm dreading is the anesthesia and pain killers and nausea and puking and spinning and the hangover-times-ten feeling >_____< 
My past three surgeries (yes, I've had more than that OML) at least have been hellish because of how bad the anesthesia and pain meds have made me feel afterwards, and I don't wanna feel like that again ;~;

Of course I'm not exactly looking forward to the pain itself, but that's minor compared to the other stuff. Like with a real hangover only time can make those things go away, while the pain can be stopped with a single word.
So should you believe in some sort of god, I wouldn't mind a shout out. Not that I'm a believer, but the caring helps..

A/N: When I say "TMI" I'm not kidding, huh?

Thursday, 13 October 2011

The Gap..

Since writing this post I have thought a lot about the whole issue of feeling lonely - not to be confused with alone. I don't feel alone.
Like I said earlier that was a post about my feelings and an image of how I felt in that moment. Feelings change and I have been fighting the urge to go back in and change the post, but I decided to let it be. I decided when I started this blog that I wasn't gonna be about disclaimers and apologies (unless necessary of course). This is my blog and I'm perfectly within my right to say what I want here. 

As long as I say what's in my heart I shouldn't have anything to apologize for it.

Instead, if I feel like anything needs correction or clarification or if circumstances change I will do what I'm doing here, write another post and leave the earlier moment in time as it was.

The edit for Loneliness? I don't feel lonely anymore. Well, I do, but not so much and emotionally I'm out of my hole.

My friends. In person I'm a very shy and insecure person and in truth I haven't made friends with anyone who wasn't somehow placed in my life by other circumstances than my advances. I have a handful of friends I grew up with and lived next door to and since I'm the oldest we have been friends their whole lives. In truth I consider both them and their families family, and I feel very lucky. I am not alone. 
But we grew up as sisters and shared very close bonds. When people got older and got boyfriends and jobs and moved out and away we had to somewhat redefine our friendships, at least I think so. We all still live within 30 mins by car of each other, but obviously it's not the same. The bond had to change because you couldn't just drop by without even knocking anymore any time of day, and suddenly we had to schedule our time together. 
And with the edition of kids in to the mix it just became even more crucial to get things down on paper.

Today we all meet about once a month (some of us also get together in a "Mommy group" about once a month during the day. I got in on an exemption ;P), just the girls, no husbands and if at all possible no kids or babies. It's girl-talk time. Besides that we see each other separately, sometimes with hubbys in tow, or just one on one (or two) because that's nice, too^^ 

I think that what overwhelmed me in part those weeks ago were just the simple fact that I miss my friends. In the obvious way because I hadn't seen them (all of them and all at once) in weeks. Busy lives are busy, and when we don't make new appointments when we see each other time tends to fly by, and before you know it it's been 3-4-5 weeks since last time.

But sometimes I also just miss the closeness I used to feel with those girls, and my heart won't accept that we can't still be like this even though we're all grown up now. 
I blame Sex And The City -_____-

And they do ask how I'm doing when I see them, but first of all I'm an insecure personality that has an insatiable yearning for love and affection. I don't like too much attention, but to feel like people are interested in me is something I can never get too much of. 
And no, I'm not some narcissist, I'm just adopted.

I've thought a lot about it and when they ask, often I don't really know how to answer that. It's not because I feel bad, on the contrary that would be the easiest thing in the world for me to share about. (Obviously unless it's something in relations to them I feel bad about >.<)
It's that I've come to the realization that in many ways our lives have taken different turns because I didn't take the conventional route, and now I see a gap I don't know how to bridge, and I'm scared to death it will end up being a disconnect that can't be corrected once the kids get older and free up some head space..

SHINee and kpop and that type of fandom, and just Korea for that matter is a whole world they know nothing about, and I don't know how to talk to them about where I am right now without it sounding completely out of context and making no sense. 
To be honest sometimes I also try to avoid it because it usually causes people in general to react with such a level or surprise and incomprehension that it makes me uncomfortable and like I'm being judged. I know all of this is very unusual over here, but it's still just guys and music and stories.

I know I said that sometimes you can tell if people don't want to know everything you have to say even if they haven't said anything, and I stand by that, but I'm not ashamed to admit my side in this. I may want to blab about my latest Taemin purchase or SHINee's comeback or spazz about the Lucifer JP pictures, but I don't. I talk about the things in my life I know they'll be able to relate to, and that's the problem in a nutshell because these days that isn't saying much.

And don't get me wrong. Not even in my wildest fantasy do I see myself fan spazzing with the girls over SHINee and Taemin, it's not like that. That would be fake. I'm just talking an interest deep enough for people to remember and to ask about it on their own, like you do if someone told you the last time about problems with a co-worker. Next time you see them most friends will then ask "How's that going?" on their own. Like that. So I wouldn't have to feel like I'm stuffing uninteresting things down their throat. 

So maybe the loneliness has nothing to do with them not asking, but more with me left feeling like I never share what I love, but on account of me.
So I, too, probably aid more to the problem than the solution - whatever that may be - but such is life right now. And it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or make me feel lonely sometimes.

But like I said, the crisis is over for now, and today is smooth sailing~
Some of it has to do with the fact that in this moment I don't have a single email or comment or message that needs to be answered (only a letter, but that's another story), my Lucifer JPs are on their way to me, I've had time to read more lately *\o/*, boys are back home - which I realize can mean either Korea or Japan, but at least it's in the same time zone!
Customs are still being assholes, holding on to my packages so that part is business as usual but it's amazing what can become your 'normal'.

But mostly I'm happy these days because my bb's back!!! :DDDD My love from Lithuania and I didn't talk all summer but she's back afgafsafhjhjasd GDI and I couldn't be happier :333 Her MIA has definitely also contributed to my loneliness so of course her return can also make me forget all about it :D