Thursday, 13 October 2011

The Gap..

Since writing this post I have thought a lot about the whole issue of feeling lonely - not to be confused with alone. I don't feel alone.
Like I said earlier that was a post about my feelings and an image of how I felt in that moment. Feelings change and I have been fighting the urge to go back in and change the post, but I decided to let it be. I decided when I started this blog that I wasn't gonna be about disclaimers and apologies (unless necessary of course). This is my blog and I'm perfectly within my right to say what I want here. 


As long as I say what's in my heart I shouldn't have anything to apologize for it.


Instead, if I feel like anything needs correction or clarification or if circumstances change I will do what I'm doing here, write another post and leave the earlier moment in time as it was.


The edit for Loneliness? I don't feel lonely anymore. Well, I do, but not so much and emotionally I'm out of my hole.


My friends. In person I'm a very shy and insecure person and in truth I haven't made friends with anyone who wasn't somehow placed in my life by other circumstances than my advances. I have a handful of friends I grew up with and lived next door to and since I'm the oldest we have been friends their whole lives. In truth I consider both them and their families family, and I feel very lucky. I am not alone. 
But we grew up as sisters and shared very close bonds. When people got older and got boyfriends and jobs and moved out and away we had to somewhat redefine our friendships, at least I think so. We all still live within 30 mins by car of each other, but obviously it's not the same. The bond had to change because you couldn't just drop by without even knocking anymore any time of day, and suddenly we had to schedule our time together. 
And with the edition of kids in to the mix it just became even more crucial to get things down on paper.


Today we all meet about once a month (some of us also get together in a "Mommy group" about once a month during the day. I got in on an exemption ;P), just the girls, no husbands and if at all possible no kids or babies. It's girl-talk time. Besides that we see each other separately, sometimes with hubbys in tow, or just one on one (or two) because that's nice, too^^ 

I think that what overwhelmed me in part those weeks ago were just the simple fact that I miss my friends. In the obvious way because I hadn't seen them (all of them and all at once) in weeks. Busy lives are busy, and when we don't make new appointments when we see each other time tends to fly by, and before you know it it's been 3-4-5 weeks since last time.


But sometimes I also just miss the closeness I used to feel with those girls, and my heart won't accept that we can't still be like this even though we're all grown up now. 
I blame Sex And The City -_____-


And they do ask how I'm doing when I see them, but first of all I'm an insecure personality that has an insatiable yearning for love and affection. I don't like too much attention, but to feel like people are interested in me is something I can never get too much of. 
And no, I'm not some narcissist, I'm just adopted.


I've thought a lot about it and when they ask, often I don't really know how to answer that. It's not because I feel bad, on the contrary that would be the easiest thing in the world for me to share about. (Obviously unless it's something in relations to them I feel bad about >.<)
It's that I've come to the realization that in many ways our lives have taken different turns because I didn't take the conventional route, and now I see a gap I don't know how to bridge, and I'm scared to death it will end up being a disconnect that can't be corrected once the kids get older and free up some head space..


SHINee and kpop and that type of fandom, and just Korea for that matter is a whole world they know nothing about, and I don't know how to talk to them about where I am right now without it sounding completely out of context and making no sense. 
To be honest sometimes I also try to avoid it because it usually causes people in general to react with such a level or surprise and incomprehension that it makes me uncomfortable and like I'm being judged. I know all of this is very unusual over here, but it's still just guys and music and stories.


I know I said that sometimes you can tell if people don't want to know everything you have to say even if they haven't said anything, and I stand by that, but I'm not ashamed to admit my side in this. I may want to blab about my latest Taemin purchase or SHINee's comeback or spazz about the Lucifer JP pictures, but I don't. I talk about the things in my life I know they'll be able to relate to, and that's the problem in a nutshell because these days that isn't saying much.

And don't get me wrong. Not even in my wildest fantasy do I see myself fan spazzing with the girls over SHINee and Taemin, it's not like that. That would be fake. I'm just talking an interest deep enough for people to remember and to ask about it on their own, like you do if someone told you the last time about problems with a co-worker. Next time you see them most friends will then ask "How's that going?" on their own. Like that. So I wouldn't have to feel like I'm stuffing uninteresting things down their throat. 


So maybe the loneliness has nothing to do with them not asking, but more with me left feeling like I never share what I love, but on account of me.
So I, too, probably aid more to the problem than the solution - whatever that may be - but such is life right now. And it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or make me feel lonely sometimes.

But like I said, the crisis is over for now, and today is smooth sailing~
Some of it has to do with the fact that in this moment I don't have a single email or comment or message that needs to be answered (only a letter, but that's another story), my Lucifer JPs are on their way to me, I've had time to read more lately *\o/*, boys are back home - which I realize can mean either Korea or Japan, but at least it's in the same time zone!
Customs are still being assholes, holding on to my packages so that part is business as usual but it's amazing what can become your 'normal'.


But mostly I'm happy these days because my bb's back!!! :DDDD My love from Lithuania and I didn't talk all summer but she's back afgafsafhjhjasd GDI and I couldn't be happier :333 Her MIA has definitely also contributed to my loneliness so of course her return can also make me forget all about it :D



1 comment:

The Byrd's Nest said...

I'm so glad you are sharing your heart this way on your blog:) I am so guilty of not being with friends and leaving my kids at home. I hate leaving my girls at home...but that is my problem. So often I don't have lots of friends because I place my children over friendship. I'm glad you wrote about this (and in my e-mail that I haven't returned of which when I do then you will have something in your inbox..ha ha) so I can be more thoughtful of friends in the future:) Love ya!