Saturday, 31 March 2012

On the edge..

I am loving this comeback more than you will ever understand because I love this boy more than you will ever understand, and seeing him everywhere looking stunning and tired and happy and spaced out and absolutely fucking gorgeous is my driving force these days to be honest.

But it's also pushing me to my limit cos it's so non-stop with live streams and then a steady stream flood of updates all day and night. I haven't slept more than 5½ hours a night in the past 3 weeks and often it's closer to 4½.
I have so many things I'm behind on, and so many things I really wanna do.
I wish I felt I had time for things like booking our trip to Korea and making a fic rec list and stuff cos inspiration has finally struck me. Of course it has to be when I don't have time.

And today it only took a couple of cold words to push me over, and I cried for three hours.
People almost always think I understand them well, and I like to think I do, but I don't think I have ever felt like someone really got me. Ever.
So I cried for three hours cos I feel alone. Because it fucking hurts to feel misunderstood, like no one understands me. Because it hurts to be trying my best and have people shoot me down or act like they don't know or care how their actions might affect me.

But I guess they don't which is kinda the issue to begin with...

And not because I don't feel accepted by people regardless, but because it's a lonely feeling to feel like no one just "gets me", without me having to explain or defend. Obviously I'll have to tell cos no one's a mind reader, but none of that "you know?" all the time.
And I understand that it's not a right, but more of a privilege to be lucky enough to have someone like that in your life, but I've been pretty close. Of course she has to live in a different timezone than me because life just loves to be a fucking cockblock like that.

And if you know me, and therefor know I'm married, you might be thinking "Well, what about your husband?" right now. Obviously, we get along and don't ever get sick of spending time alone together. We know each other like the back of our hands, we love each other and we're definitely each other's best friends, but we're also very different in both gender durh and personality and we often have no clue what the hell is up with the other.
But our relationship is a whole nother post, and not what today's mini meltdown was about.

And in fact, I had been on the verge for hours when he came home, and out of the grocery bag he pulled my fave kind of iced coffee. It wasn't on the list and I have only mentioned them to him once, and he chose today of all days to show that he actually listens to me. So I cried for three hours.
Of course he was only here for about 45 mins of it cos he had to leave for the weekend. Timing, why you gotta suck like this? 

It was okay, though. It's not like I feel like he's abandoning me in my hour of need because this wasn't "an incident", it's just how I am sometimes. He's been here for plenty of these times and since this will hardly be the last, I'm sure he'll be here for lots more in the future. Yay.....

And then a friend made the effort and wrote me an email out of the blue, simply stating that she loves me. She had no idea what was going on so it wasn't to console me. It was just cos  And yes, obviously I cried over that, too, because that is the best reason for telling someone you love them. Just cos.

Anyway, off to get 4½ hours before it's time to stream Music Core. SHINee, could you win gdi ;~; For me??

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