Wednesday, 19 March 2014

a...sexual?

today I read these three posts - here, here, and here - written by an asexual about, um, how to say...her views on life and love and sex from her/an asexual's point of view.
I was Googling "body worship" for something else, but that's another story.

anyway, you sorta have to read the three posts before reading mine, even if you do know about asexualism.

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[big fat disclaimer] before reading this I had absolutely no idea what asexualism was or meant, and to be fair, I still only know what this person wrote, and haven't researched or investigated the topic further.
so everything I'm about to say should not be taken as a comment on asexualism as a whole, but solely a reaction to these three posts, period.
I am not passing judgment on asexuals (I mean, love thy neighbour and all that), but merely reacting to some points that this individual set up.
and should you happen to be said individual, I hope you won't take offense. this is all out of curiosity, and interest, and ignorance, and cos you moved things in me.

also, I've chosen to use "allosexual" without having a clue if there's anything in that term besides "someone who isn't asexual". if there is anything remotely derogatory I apologize. "someone who isn't asexual" was just a little wordy, so, yeah...

at first I just read cos curious and I like to broaden my horizon, but I found it really well-written, full of conviction and passion and information, and as I kept reading, maybe that is part of why it started to stir both emotions and thoughts, and by now I really just need to get some of it out to sort it out.
right now it's all messy, and I expect this post to be, too, as a result.
I also suspect that I'll have probably misunderstood or even misread some stuff because my head was buzzing as I read most of it, so trying to make sense of a foreign language might have proven too hard. I apologize in advance.

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I don't even really know how to start..

I like the positivism in the first post, the encouragement for asexauls to explore ways in their asexual relationships to get closeness and intimacy and physical touches.
what I don't like is the way I at times felt flashbacks to eating disorder posts.
"I just want you to know, fellow aces, that getting genitally aroused in the middle of a very sensual, physically intimate encounter with someone you love doesn’t make you less asexual, doesn’t mean you’re experiencing sexual attraction or desire for your partner, and is nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for". well, if it did would it be so bad?

the celibacy. I don't really see the big...mmh I dunno, reason to shout it like that from the rooftops over and over again? if you hadn't been asexual, then maybe a voluntary life as celibate would be a bigger deal, but if you're asexual aren't you just doing what you wanna do? or rather not doing what you don't wanna do. like so many other people, regardless of sexual..ness.

I mean, I get that a lot of asexuals probably compromise more or less and enter relationships with allosexuals in order to fulfill desires for other things in life like love, intimacy, kids, and whatnot. and in that sense I understand being proud of yourself for not being willing to compromise yourself, as I feel you feel it would be.

and I do see you saying that to you, your choice of celibacy and being an asexual is two different things, and the celibacy is more about being able to focus on other aspects, and to allow room for that love ideal you have. I get that. right?
I'm just not sure I still don't believe that they're all connected, even if the love ideal came about before you say asexualism did for you. but that is probably because I don't know enough about asexualism, cos can you "turn it"? even if you were young and not sexually conscious, weren't you still asexual? so wouldn't it somehow have subconsciously reflected in your person and thoughts? is what I'm thinking.

you say you'll only settle for that intense, ideal love, but at the same time you have decided that you will only have other asexuals as partners. that seems like really bad math to me.
on the other hand you also seem like someone who see that deep love connection as something more..damn English.. um, like you almost not expect it to be long-term? or something that can possibly happen with a wide number of people?
I dunno, maybe I got that part all wrong, I just couldn't help but think that the rest of us who see the world as possibilities still struggle to find that love.

because that's another thing. I really feel like you talk as if allosexual both don't want and aren't capable of feeling that need and desire for deep, intense, pure love because to us, sex is our #1 priority.
if you take intercourse out of the equation, aren't most people in general looking for/dreaming of the same thing you are?

in fact, the only thing I could think about as you went on about what it is you want in life out of a relationship, was to think, "well, aren't I lucky".
because I have that. and I'm an allosexual. and you're free to think I'm crazy delusional, but there's not a doubt in my mind that if I took sex out of my marriage, it wouldn't change the love connection.
and there's no doubt cos I asked him. obviously, if it was a free choice he might need a longer explanation than if I had an accident or whatever, but if I came to him and said I lost the mood/feel for it, he would never dream of pressuring sex through anyway.

(I also have no doubt because, for reasons that aren't physical or psychological distance but also aren't relevant in this context, during our 15 years together we have had several periods of time, sometimes up to 6 months at a time, where sex hasn't been part of our relationship, and it hasn't changed anything)

if that sounds too Disney to you, I can live with that. it's okay, I know what I have, and not a day goes by where I don't consciously appreciate and cherish it.

I'm not trying to say sex doesn't matter, I'm just saying that hubs doesn't love me because he gets to stick his dick in me.
and just like you point out, there are plenty of other ways to be super intimate, so why should it break anything?

an overall thing that kept popping up in my head, as I read all three posts actually, is that while I do feel you talk like there can be lots of big loves in a person's life, it also struck me how completely (over?)analytical your approach to love is.
you seem to set up all these ways and rules and decisions about what you will and will not do and accept, as if that will help you find that specific ideal love.

but it seem like all those things are related to sex, which to me means, they're all almost moot.
granted, I've never been an asexual, and a celibate one at that, so I can't know how much of your person consists of that part, but I can tell you that the actual intercourse part of me (since you say some asexuals do have desires and whatnot, too) takes up like 3%.

I feel like you're totally negating human personalities and reducing people to asexuals or people who have sex, basically, and making sexual attraction/lack thereof the main point of people.
and actually, just completely from my personal point of view, I was honestly bordering offended with the way I feel you totally reduce allosexuals to pretty much baser, almost sex crazed people who puts sex before all else, and is virtually a danger to asexuals.

I'm not saying you probably don't have some asexual inside stories, and maybe even personal experiences of allosexuals who have been less than understanding shall we say, but again, lining things up as black and white as I feel you're doing is a little much.
of course you never outright said "ALL allosexuals are like this", but at times you might as well have.

anyway.
"Die-hard romantics may want to believe that true love can conquer all, but in reality, love dies all the time, often for reasons far more trivial than sex."
exactly. so why put such an emphasis on sex? on love vs. sex?
except for #7 (cos not asexual so no reason to delve into that world in that respect) I can see where you're coming from with all your points about why loving a same-minded is so great, but I deliberately used the word same-minded cos once again, take sex out of this, and isn't it what most people want? belonging, understanding, love, connection, comfort, safety, confidence, pleasuring another person.

I know from experience (that has nothing to do with sexuality) what you mean about connecting with people who are the same as you, all the issues that becomes irrelevant, just by that, but maybe that's also why I feel like I don't see why this should have to be a sexually related issue. that feeling is relieving and liberating, no matter who you are and no matter the reason you come together.
..and I feel like I lost my point..

what I'm trying to say, without really feeling sure it's related to that quote, is just that the general concept of relationship and love keeps churning in my head.
sex aside, people. are. different.
both being asexuals doesn't mean you won't have different personalities and likes and preferences in all other areas of life, just like two allosexuals.
every kind of couple can have issues with sex because everyone's sex-drive is different, it's not just in asexual/allosexual couples.
every kind of couple can fall out, fall apart, and break up for numerous reasons.
again I think I'm feeling reduced to my sexual orientation..

"It can show you that you are not even remotely broken because here you are, loving another person and being loved by them, someone who’s like you"
wouldn't it be better to be loved by an "outsider" if your issues are with the world, not other asexuals?
I have my own issue to deal with, so that might be why I'm thinking like this, but can't it also just make a person think, "well, sure you love me, you're as broken as me"? - is what I thought, ONLY because you added "someone who's like you". if you hadn't I wouldn't hesitate to agree that love has immense healing powers.

I also have thoughts about the talk about the whole community and confirmation between asexuals on one hand, and then at the same time a lot about self-love and independence on the other, but it's all unwilling to come out in any remotely coherent way so I'm not gonna go there.

same with lots of other points throughout the texts. I either can't formulate thoughts or I formulate too many.

in the end what I'm left with, though, is mostly pity. and not in a condescending way, it just makes me feel sad/sorry?
here is a person who's trying to set up guidelines for finding and maintaining that ideal, perfect love, when reality (mine, at least) is that we're all human beings and as such there is no such thing a guarantees when it comes to love, no matter how much you strive to find and love an exact replica of yourself.


I'm also left with the thought that since I know these posts weren't personally about/against me, I shouldn't get so worked up.
just because we're on different sides of celibacy, everything said about allosexuals doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me.
as I myself so often say, if it doesn't apply, it doesn't apply. move along.

well.

I failed to move, so there you have it.


1 comment:

fonulyn said...

I don't think you had anything to worry about posting this bb. You've handled it very well, and I think your point of view comes across. And I agree with you on so many points! Reading the original posts you were referring to made me really uncomfortable, since while it's beautiful to believe in ideals, the person seemed to put way too much weight on them. In many ways, it felt like reading the text of someone very young, since then opinions tend to be more strictly black and white than later.

So yeah, I completely understand why you felt the need to write up your own reaction to it. And I applaud you for giving your opinion in a thought-out way! :)