Tuesday, 26 February 2013

me2day

I'm so done with drama.

I'm so done with other people's problems.

I'm so done with being the one who's always calm and understanding and wise, who knows what to say and do and how to be there for others in their time of need and crisis, who's always reliable and sensible and considerate.

it's not that I'm not all of those things, I'm just also so much more, but it just seems to be all people see and it's constraining and suffocating and I'm done with it.

I have many and strong opinions, I often feel or see things differently from everyone else, and I'm done with not being allowed to say how I feel without having to sensor my thoughts to be as inoffensive and provoking to others as possible to a point where it might be what I think, but not how I feel anymore. 
I'm so fucking tired of having to weigh and bend my every word to suit others sensibilities. 

how do I always manage to set up friendships, or just relationships in general it seems, in a way where I never feel like I can just relax and be myself and say how I feel at any time without having it being perceived as being short or judgmental or inconsiderate or rude or or or.

am I really that special or do I just seem to be attracted to.. I dunno, sensitive people?

yesterday I told a friend "I'm sorry, I think I was being a bitch.." cos I had said some stuff to her I suddenly felt could have been bitchy cos I was in a such a horrible mood. 
after I said it, it dawned on me that the reason I felt like I might have been bitchy was cos I just didn't have the patience or energy to be super considerate with how I phrased things and if I may have sounded short in my replies to her.

her response was "why???" which I took as a "why would you think that you were being a bitch" more than a "why are you sorry" which just made me even more done with myself. 
so now I equate being a bitch with me not weighing my every single word no matter how insignificant the conversation (we were just casually chatting about nothing)... 

how to live like that..

I can't. 

I won't.

but how to not be that anymore without pushing sensitive people away who's extremely precious to me, and who is used to me being like that..

I dunno, and right now I don't even care.

I'm so done with people.

can I just disappear pls

1 comment:

Calily Caline said...

Yah, those sensitive people need to get a grip! mia, you're not responsible for their well-being, you dont need to alter anything you say or do depending on the person you talk to. it's their problem if it offends them! its nice if you care about ppl but there needs to be a limit. but please don't disappear :'(