Friday, 20 July 2012

tears won't stop

My friend died today

and I am heartbroken


It wasn't really a surprise. He was diagnosed with cancer more than a year ago and at that time they gave him only a short while. Very aggressive liver cancer, I think it was, that had already spread and metastasized in his whole midsection.
At that time he wasn't feeling it at all or much, I forget the details by now and the diagnosis was such a shock to everyone who knew him.

He was the sweetest guy, caring, understanding, a good listener, a kidder, someone who loved people and who people loved, and right now my brain can't fathom that I'm not gonna see him again (-̩̩̩-͡_ --̩̩̩͡)

Though he was my parents' friend, he was my friend, too, and I have known him my whole life cos he was one of the parents in the group my parents went to Korea with when they picked me up.
I have celebrated life's big occasions in both of our lives with this guy, me and my family have spent numerous vacations with him and his family, we've played for hours, talked for hours, laughed for hours, and I still can't understand that I won't ever see him again.

Of course, everyone saw this coming, him included, but right after the initial shock of the diagnosis he and his wife decided that they and the family weren't gonna dwell on it. They were gonna stay positive and fight 'til the very last end with faith (not the religious kind) in their hearts and smiles on their faces, and so they have done.
How? The fuck if I know cos I would've been a puddle from the get-go.
But I, and everyone else they've been in contact with, definitely contributes his ability to beat the odds to his positive spirit and in many ways he lived on like like nothing had changed, and therefore it was still a surprise when the news finally arrived.

He was willing to try out every means possible since he was already terminal, why not give it a go?
But in the end there was just nothing more to try out, and a few weeks ago he was told that there was nothing more than pain management the healthcare system could offer him.
In short, game over.

Fortunately, he went down hill fast from there. That might sound incredibly harsh but in essence that is what made him able to go out the way he wanted. At home with no outside help, just his wife taking care of him.

My parents saw him two weeks ago. After some bad weeks where he wasn't able to get up or anything, he invited them over for dinner. He felt better and he was able to greet them in the driveway, he moved around and they talked until late.

So when my dad called from Italy today to tell me that Carsten had died it still knocked me off my feet.

I have had so much to do today, and after he called this afternoon I have just not been able to function properly.

Life is so fucking unfair I can't deal Щ(ºДºщ) 

And, yeah, I know, no one said life and fair have shit to do with each other, I just.....

And the whole concept of death and to be dead and to not exist and to die and then just not be while everyone still is... I'm feeling really tiny and humble in my life right now.
There really is nothing like getting a reality check like this to make you appreciate your life and especially the people in it.

Of course this doesn't mean that I feel up to going to my in-laws for the weekend in 10 hours, like, REALLY, I just.....

This was incoherent shit, but I'm allowed cos my friend died today

 I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH  (-̩̩̩-͡_ --̩̩̩͡)


  1. ;~; i'm so sorry mia T^T feel better soon...

  2. ah, relevant since it's my classmates first death anniversary.

    come. i have ice cream. and pajamas (tho you don't wear them) and blankets and pillows and taemin and chunji and ljoe and shinee and tin tap pictures and sappy movies.

    i still remember how empty i felt after my friend died, how i couldn't think straight for days. i hope mads is taking good care of you and spoiling you? and how were the in-laws? i hope you get some time off from people to rest and heal. =/

    love you!!!!! <3

  3. you two ᅲᅲᅲᅲᅲᅲᅲᅲᅲᅲ

  4. I'm so sorry my sweet sorry. It is so hard to lose the people we love so much. I love you.....Kim