how much can you put on top of that, I wonder..

where to start...

yesterday I went to the hospital for my specialist appointment. I'd been awaiting and dreading this day for what has been a hell-ish 5 weeks, but finally it was here, and, as expected, I got my fears confirmed.


I will have to have a hysterectomy, and I will have to undergo full anesthesia. fuck my life.

but I will be able to keep my ovaries and fallopian tubes so no premature menopause. weee...

doc said they will do it through laparoscopic surgery if possible (something about shredding it and pulling it out in bits idk) to minimize bleeding and pain and unnecessary cutting, but of course, if things turn ugly they'll have to do a bikini incision.
she scanned me to get fresh pics for my file, and while I read and signed the operation consent form, she called the OR to book a time for me asap.

she suddenly looked up and asked me if I could do it on Monday?! I was already completely numb at that point and my mind was blank, and since I had expected to have to wait at least for a couple of weeks, maybe even a month or so, I was completely dumbfounded by her question and I literally just stared blankly at her and then hubs and then her again for a minute or so, and then she said, "maybe too soon.." UM YEAH but thanks.

we landed on Sep. 4th.

then she asked me if I wanted to have both uterus and cervix removed (total hysterectomy) or just the uterus (partial), and I stared at her blankly again. I wasn't even aware you had that option, and my first thought (when such appeared) was, "well what am I gonna do with a cervix if I have no uterus", and she said that some women prefer to only have the trouble area removed (i.e. the uterus).

if I chose to keep my cervix I could still experience a little bleeding around the time where I would normally have had my period, and I would still have to do the triennial cervical cancer check.
and if I chose to have the cervix removed later it would of course mean another surgery, but I should note that it could also be problematic cos the intestines could have grown onto the end of the cervix where the uterus used to be.

and in the vast majority of cases where women choose to have the cervix removed as well, the vagina grows over just fine so I shouldn't worry too much about rupturing during sex. ....... I wanted to scream at that point.

of course I could have a few days to think it over, but if I already had a preference she would just write it in my file right away.
so although I did worry a whole lot about the sex part I opted for the total version cos 1) wtf I did not sign up for surgery only to still maybe have periods, and 2) the whole not having to worry about cervical cancer sounded quite appealing. 
the bursting sex part not so much, but we'll cross that bridge when we have to.

I have to come in the day before to see the anesthesiologist and, of course, to have more blood tests done. yippeee........

and that was that. the whole thing took about 20 mins, and once we were out the door I collapsed in the first chair I saw in the entrance hall cafeteria. and then I cried for about 20 mins.
it hadn't felt rushed or anything, despite the fast expedition, and I felt an odd comfort in the fact that this was so totally routine for them, that they barely batted an eyelash. at least I won't have to worry about them not being a hundred percent confident about what's gonna happen.

still my head was a complete whirlwind, and I couldn't really think about anything... except getting an ice cream??? so I did once I almost stopped crying.

can I just..not...........ㅠㅠㅠ

on top of that, I had to go meet up with the girls afterwards cos now that we have one bachelorette party/wedding out of the way, the next one is fast approaching, so of course we have to get on that right away, but I just did not feel like socializing AT ALL.
it went okay, though, but I can already tell it's gonna be a lot more work than the last one - which was plenty work.
there are freaking 33 people on the invite list, and just the thought of having to coordinate a group of that size... so let's hope at least half rsvp no.
besides that, we are more...different in this planning group than for the last bachelorette party, so that should make things interesting as well..

and on top of that we have the annual Korea gathering, which is what we call the day a year where we meet up with the adoption group who went with my parents to Korea when they went to pick me up.
we started out a lot of families, almost 15 I think, but for a lot of years now, we're only the hardcore group left of about 7-8 families.
it's people I've literally known all my life, but since we only see most of them once a year it's just a really trying day for me to have to spend an entire day with them. I mean, all socializing is trying for me, but this is maybe even more so cos because we've known each other for so long it's sorta implied that we should be comfortable with each other, but I'm just not..comfortable..with people.....
and on top of that, one of the parents asked if we could give her a ride cos her daughter's going to a wedding so not coming, and kinda couldn't say no so.... it's gonna be one long 1½ hour drive.

and on top of that, my dad had minor heart surgery about a month ago. minor, but still...

and on top of that, my sister and her hubby announced about 3 weeks ago that they're getting a divorce.
it's amicable, they both agree they've just grown apart, they're on friendly terms and all, but... they've been together for 11 years, they have a shitload of financial entanglements from having built on their house for the past 8. 
and they have 2 small kids whose world is gonna completely shatter. fortunately, Alfie's just 2 so although he will definitely be affected (he already understand so much even though he doesn't have a full language yet), it probably won't be as devastating for him as for Anton, who just turned 5.

my heart b r e a k s for that boy, and having to celebrate his birthday last week and thinking about how this will be his last, safe family birthday in the only place he's ever known as home, all the while having to pretend everything was business as usual, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
this will not be easy no matter how it's done, and since most professionals recommend waiting to tell the kids (young kids at least) until the situation is more settled and the family is actually ready to physically move apart, they still don't know.

and even though it's not my marriage or family breaking apart, it is?
so obviously it's taking a major toll on the entire family and everyone is helping my sister and her hubs to figure out what to do with the house, and all the legal stuff, and what about the kids, and where to live now, and how to get new homes, and and and.
but most importantly, how to stay friends when the going gets tough, which it will, cos in the end it's crucial to the kids that they get through this on good terms.
unless you've been in my shoes I don't think you can begin to imagine the amount of things to worry about for this situation alone.

and on top of that, the apartment's still not done cos who have time and energy for that. that's right, no one.

and on top of that, we still haven't been able to sell the red motorcycle so still almost $6000 in debt + 50 bucks in interest each month. goddammit.

and on top of that, Infinite (bless their idiot hearts) decided to have THREE. FREAKING. CONCERTS. in Europe, I mean, but it was only supposed to be two so what the fuck.
and of course I'm really reaLLY happy, cos better odds for tickets, but also really rEALLY FREAKING FRUSTRATED cos I wanna go to all if we can get tickets, but with tickets, airfare, and hotels, minimum damage will probably be around $4000 which means...we will have to probably postpone Korea until 2015. fuck. cos not a single day goes by without my heart yearning for that place. 

but I. really. need. this. I know it sounds overly attached, and it probably is, but as lame as it may sound, it's the thought of having a chance to see those seven idiots on stage again, and getting a chance to hear Gyu's voice in person again that's getting me through my days at the moment.

I need something to look forward to, to focus my attention on, to be frustrated over, to divert my attention, and even though it won't be guaranteed cos tix don't go on sale until after my operation, it will be the thought of those concerts and getting to see Gyu again that will keep me from completely losing my shit and panicking when I'm getting put under. I will be scared out of my head, and I will cry, but I will also be strong because I have to survive so I can go.

and at the end of the day, if it works, does it matter if it's some stupid guy a million miles away along with the perfect one right beside me? I don't think so and since I'm gonna be the one on the table...

and on top of that, I feel like such a shit friend these days. I know some people just wanna chat and say hi and touch base, but I also know others are struggling with different things that we usually talk about, and I wanna be there for those people. I do wanna talk to people and keep in touch and be a good friend and ask about how everyone's doing, but I just can't. not right now.
I am literally hanging on by a thread, and I have so much going on in my own head, that just the thought of how people might tell me their problems if I reach out to them, is making me withdraw altogether cos I just can't. and I hate that. I fucking HATE that.
I hate worrying about scaring people off, if I say I can't handle them at the moment. but I just c.a.n.t.

and I worry cos I think it seems that I'm fine? but it's just really easy to procrastinate on twitter or youtube or whatever, and fooling around with people can sometimes make me forget life for a moment, and even laugh a little. 
but to be honest, even stalking twitter and just observing people can be exhausting and most of the time I wanna just curl up with a fic so I can live vicariously through happy endings. unfortunately, there are barely any decent writers at the moment so I can't even have that /sighh

and I am not fine. I'm constantly exhausted from blood loss, my head is so numb from stress I can barely think, I've stopped updating my calender cos so many things I couldn't stand it - which of course is a great plan to alleviate stress cos that way you forget all things equally so no feeling bad over missing only some things. 
I haven't read a personal email in 1½ months, and my conscience is eating me up on that one. 


pls can I just lie in bed and cry all day, I want to just lie in bed and cry all day. 
but no, can't do that cos life, so instead I cry in the car, I cry when I watch TV, I cry making grocery lists, I cry in the shower, I cry when I'm lying all snuggled up in hubs' arms.

so not only bleeding out, literally, but also dehydrating. life, I hope you're happy.


writing this has been so so difficult, you have no idea. having to list all these things.. all these things that I've spent every single drop of energy suppressing and keeping in check for the past months.. it's taken me literally an entire day to write this and I've not stop crying once.