mind over matter

A/N: for reasons of embarrassment and vulnerability, the post mentioned below (*) has been removed, but you'll get the idea

you know that feeling where your life just seems to be happening to you? I have no idea what's going on at the moment, my feelings just run amok, and me and my sanity are just one huge question mark, taken along for the insane roller coaster ride that is my life these days.

by no means does that mean that I haven't done so much thinking over the past few days, it makes me wonder how I have energy left to do anything but lie in bed and drool. it just means that I'm wondering if this is how severely manic-depressive people feel. cos really.



my last post* was me at my wits end. I dunno if it seemed like that, but it was. it was also a very big step and a first for me. I don't normally like to show or share myself when I'm still that much in the middle of emotional distress, but someone's been hounding me for personal posts, and believe you me, that is probably the most naked moment you'll ever see from me.

but I needed to sort out my thoughts. I needed to finally let out all my delusional feels and thoughts about Gyu cos I have no other Gyu biased people to talk to. 
I do have people who love Inpiniteu, but I have no one else to let out all the crazy, mushy, lovey-dovey shit you feel about your bias without worrying if they'll judge me or get sick of hearing about it, whereas same-biased people are usually equally disturbed and inexhaustible. I feel lonely, but that's another story for another day.

and I also needed a push to finally get my ass in gear and sit hubs down and have a proper conversation about how I'm feeling these days.
it's not that I don't wanna talk to him. I always wanna talk to him, but sometimes my thoughts are such a big mess, and they jump around and change so fast, it can be hard for me to know where to start.
but I knew that publicly declaring my love for someone else before even having talked to him about any of it, would give my conscience the push I needed, and it did.

poor hubs had been up since 5am and when he finally came home past 10pm, he was just in the door when he was met with the phrase everyone in a relationship just loves to hear, "we need to talk".
okay, so I didn't actually say that, but I started crying out of the blue, and told him to go read my blog.

true to best-hubs-of-the-universe form, he only cared about the last few paragraphs, and how he can help me to best get through whatever it is I'm dealing with right now.
there was no anger or ridicule, and he never made me feel like he didn't take any of it seriously.

I asked him if he wanted me to take down the post cos in my mind I thought maybe guys frowned upon their wives publicly declaring their love for someone else, but he said no. he cared more that this was obviously something I had needed to get out.
besides he was mentioned, too, and even mentioned as the last one. I told him he'd always be last to me, which made us both giggle through the tears. yeah, we're like that.

anyway, as usual talking not only that part out with him, but everything that's been tumbling around in my head helped immensely, and Tuesday I was like a completely different person.
not that everything magically changed, and I'm still on hiatus, but at the same time it did? my head feels like it's gonna exploded from all the thinking, but I've managed to figure out some stuff already.

first and foremost, as suspected even in the last post, of course this has pretty much nothing to do with Gyu.
I still love love loooove him, but in-love love? um no. and I know I didn't say it like that, but that post is like the first time declaring the love so strongly and directly, cos it's been more a matter of having all these feels, and when I looked at them I felt like it was the only conclusion I could draw?
but that is probably just me being me being anal and needing control and order and labels so I know what's what, when in truth, is it even possible to categorize all emotions? is it necessary?

so let's just say I love him, and leave it at that ♥

but the the type and intensity of the feels I have for him definitely got tangled up with things that run so much deeper.
those feelings of such intense yearning and longing and wanting are so similar to how I feel about Korea and my parents. I have somewhat accepted my fate on those issues, and I can go about my life without being at least constantly broken up about it.

but then Gyu comes along and it's a blissful tumble down the rabbit hole until it's not so blissful anymore, and I'm so dizzy and banged up that I just want it to stop.

but by then the damage was done and by now I need a time-out to get my bearings back in check.

I've been thinking a lot about how it could get that far, and besides just the simple factor that there has never been anyone like Gyu before, I am also having a lot of other stuff going on at the moment, a lot of other stuff I'm stressing and worrying about.
it's fraying me at the edges, and I really don't think Gyu feels could have gotten so messed up if I had been on my A game otherwise. I am usually much better at staying un-delulu. but feelings got tangled up and voilá. classic transference.

so now my hiatus is giving me time to deal with all those other things, and at the same time giving me a break from Gyu and babos in general, and hopefully getting me out of the urgent feels to stay updated that I had also gotten caught up in, cos those are just never good for me.

so far it's going really well. epiphanies are always helpful, and since the crying fucking finally stopped I've been able to get a lot of stuff done, and I've even been socializing!
I've had lots of energy despite not sleeping well/more than 4-5 hours a night, and more importantly, lots of resolve to stay away from twitter except for important messages, and make this change happen.

and hubs FINALLY got his boss to sign off on his vacation (she's been such a slow-poke this year omfg), so now we can start planning that as well.

I do wonder a little how it's gonna go once hiatus is over cos babos are so easy to get swept away by, but hopefully I'll be able to keep myself in check. ...or have people tell me when I need to chill the fuck out.
at least it won't be a problem over the summer cos so much other stuff to do.

it might be a little crazy once it gets to be ticketing time cos that is just always hell on earth. it literally made me uncomfortable to see all the noonas being anxious about tickets for the Seoul concerts.

but other than that, I do think I can do this.

I'm sorry if you feel like I'm one of those people who'll air whatever dirty relationship laundry in public. I'm really not, but besides this being my place to sort out whichever thoughts I need to, there are a lot of people who've been worrying about me, and this was the easy way out of letting everyone know they don't need to cos even though I'm doing much better, the thought of talking to everyone individually was just way too overwhelming.


thank you for believing in me ㅠㅠ♥