Tuesday, 19 December 2017

171218 삼가 고인의 명복을 빕니다 ㅠㅠ

yesterday, Jonghyun chose to end his own life, and now, 24 hours later, it still doesn't feel real. the tears in my eyes tell me it's real, but my head still can't wrap around it.



I haven't followed his solo career much, but had I looked closer, I can't say that I would be as surprised and shocked as I am today. 
he was always open about his pains, and from his lyrics and his last "will", he was clearly a person, tormented so much that neither the love he shared with his mother, sister and SHINee, his never ending love and devotion towards his fans and all people in general, nor his undeniable talent in music could make up for the hardships.


I know those struggles and my heart breaks for him all over again.




(trans: Shelbi)


thank YOU for all the happiness you gave. I am so deeply sorry we couldn't give it back ㅠㅠ 
누난 니가 행복했으면 좋겠어, 정말로 종현아 ㅠㅠ 

my heart goes out to his family and Jinki, Kibum, Minho and Taemin. I hope everyone will get through this reasonably intact..


anyway... 

since so much of Jong's struggles, and eventually his lack of achieving it, seems to be about happiness and how to become happy, it has sparked a lot of life reflections all over twitter, and so many people are questioning their own life and happiness.

a friend wondered, when she isn't exactly happy, why she chooses to live the way she does? if there's a different path for her? - even if it's a different one. cos isn't life going by society's norms or be an outcast?
I wanted to give her encouragement so I started to write out my thoughts to her, but it quickly felt like more than just for her. not that I'm particularly coherent at this moment, but these are important points, always worth remembering, not only in the face of a tragedy like this.

why you choose to live how you do, is a question with many possible answers. comfort, laziness, fear, money etc. 
but I believe there's a different path, other options, if that's what you want. sociatel norms only have to be followed to a certain degree, but often those boundaries are a lot wider than you give them credit for. (and even if they aren't wide enough for you, then you push and make them fit. challenging the status quo of things never hurt anything, and how else would change be made?) 
usually what restricts you most, are they boundaries in your head. your worries about how your family and friends and people will view and accept/reject your choices, and maybe most that uncertainty of "am I making the right choice? will this be worth it?".

but you're not some extreme, my friend, it's not like you wish society would let you become a bank robber so you could get rich or something. so if you wanna do something surprising with your life, I would urge you to go for it. 
you cannot please everybody, so there might be some people lost along the way. on the other hand, there will probably also be new people gained, people who connect with you cos you are on this exact route in life so they accept and maybe even encourage it. 

as far as the "is this worth it?" part, to me, it would be worth it. even if you aren't depressed or have other mental health issues, life is too short to just coast? to look back and think meh. 
and it's not about end game. it's much more about the journey, about waking up every day and be happy about your life, simply because you're working towards fulfilling a dream, working on making a better life for yourself. you're doing something, making that change in yourself. that's no small feat and a lot of people never do it, so see the attempt, the process, as something to be proud and happy about, too. 

for most people, the first step is the hardest, though: finding out what to work towards. what will make me happy? like, in an actual, realistic way, what will make me happy? 
finding the answer to that, so you know what to even work towards, can take years and it can change over time and there can be more than one answer, so checking in with yourself is so important so you don't wake up one day and feel like you've wasted half your life.

and don't feel like it has to be something big or world changing to be "good enough" to be what can make you happy. and don't let other judge it. 
obviously, if it's something simpler, happiness can be easier or faster to obtain, but even if it's something big and seemingly impossible, it's simply a matter of breaking it down into smaller steps, so you have somewhere to start. wanna be president? join your local party chapter, get involved, educate yourself and work your way up. who knows what can happen one day.

the sky's the limit, my friend. go forth and be happy. I have faith in you 행복하자~!!

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