never forget

a friend asked me just a couple of weeks ago, what I thought I would do or how I thought my life would be if I suddenly didn't have hubs anymore.
I told her, as was true after just a few years and even moreso now after 16, that I would be utterly fucked.
I wouldn't think my life would be over. it's not surprising that life must end so of course there is a chance I will be alone at some point, and I have been through too much to get suicidal over that.

but I would be completely and utterly lost.




because of my condition, I feel like I truly treasure hubs and what he does for me on a daily basis. that doesn't mean we can't fight and he can't annoy the shit out of me or vice versa, but I think that compared to others I know, I feel it more, it's not just something I say.
it's something I feel deep in my heart every time he helps me organize my calendar and double check that I didn't forget anything. every time he goes to the post office with packages I need to mail out or the pharmacy to pick up my meds. every time he calls people on my behalf. every time he drives me places.
basically every time he helps me with every little ordinary thing that most people don't even think about, but that I either can't do on my own or that takes so much stress and anxiety had I had to do it myself. so literally not a day goes by without it.

today, about 30 mins after he left for work, he called me, saying he was at the emergency room.
I don't know if you've ever gotten a call like this, but in that split second, before the person calling has time to go on, time stops. fear is the darndest thing.

we live about 5 mins from the hospital, and it's where he gets off the bus to get on the train for work, but during that short bus ride he had suddenly felt really bad and strange and basically showing different symptoms that could indicate a blood clot somewhere. so instead of getting on the train, he went into the hospital. clever bub.

I rushed down, and of course it was impossible to get a parking spot, as usual, and instead of wasting time circling the huge parking area, I just went and parked on the street even though it meant having to walk that much longer to get to the hospital.
I didn't even register the pouring rain. instead I noticed with surprise how calm I had been, getting my things together and driving down, no rushing, no wasting time flailing around, just fast and focused, and I thanked my brain for being good at compartmentalizing and knowing that this wasn't the time to break down yet.

by the time I got there, he was feeling a little better, and the preliminary consultation by the nurse showed nothing alarming yet, at least.
after a short while a bio analyst came and took blood and an EKG and a urine sample.

a little wait more and the doctor came.
she had a med student from South Africa in tow which surprised us a bit cos how on Earth did a South African end up in a Danish suburban hospital long enough to even learn the language..
anyway, not important.

after a very thorough examination, only interrupted by a single emergency call so she had to drop everything and literally run out mid-sentence, the very nice doctor told us that although the blood work was still pending, she could find nothing wrong.
she couldn't pin-point what it was that had caused his indisposition, but she hadn't been able to find anything alarming, and with hubs also saying he felt better now - albeit tired as fuck, she said we were free to go home.

however. it still wasn't alarming, and in fact she wasn't even sure they would even deem it anything, but when she listened to hubs' heart she heard a faint murmur. during the wait for the blood work to come back she had consulted with the Chief Physician and they agreed, if we wanted, that we should have a cardiac doctor take a listen.
it could be a number of things (like damage to the heart or a small leakage) or it could be nothing, but she was so sure it would be nothing that sending hubs on to the cardiac ward was more of a matter of having them agree it is nothing.

but it could also be something.

that murmur. of the heart. heart murmur.

never forget to appreciate the people you love while you still can.