Friday, 20 June 2014

reality check, check.

do you ever get so frustrated and angry that you just start to cry and then can't seem to stop again?

that was me two days ago. crying, and for the first time in my life I had the urge to throw something. 

during Easter I reluctantly fell into a new group, 방탄소년단 (Bangtan Sonyeondan), and even though it hasn't been that long they have really managed to get under my skin in record time. 
not even Infinite hit this hard, and if you know me, that's saying a lot.

knowing myself, I deliberately didn't just rush in and get completely overwhelmed with feels, I paced myself and was very committed to not letting things get out of hand. as I kept saying, I remember how things turned out with Gyu last year and I was NOT gonna let that happen again. 

and I didn't, but they still managed to take over my everything. with that haze of excitement and the thrill that only a new love can bring. 
it has meant a lot of not eating and countless sleepless nights cos the friends I share this love with happen to be in USA, except for Miranda but she's a freaking night owl, plus an hour behind me so same as Americans.
there has been lots of screaming and yelling and crying, both literally and figuratively, and it has been great being able to add new friends to my life. I've missed that.

and in the midst of this emotional mess, it is suddenly announced that Bangtan is coming to Europe, and not only Europe, but for once it's not Paris and London?!
Bangtan only celebrated their first anniversary on 140613 and are as such almost still a rookie group, and even though I think they have material enough for a solo concert, that's not happening. and I'm not being greedy, it's more than amazing enough for a group this young to even be coming to Europe to begin with.

but they're coming to Berlin and Stockholm to hold RWeL8? fanmeets, and obviously I flipped my shit when I heard cos what are the fucking odds?! 
Miranda was screaming at me, too, cos in a way I have amazing timing. I get into SHINee/kpop at all, and SMTown comes to Paris. I get into Tintap and their world tour comes to Paris. I get into Infinite and OGS comes to Paris AND London. and now Bangtan and HELLO RWeL8?????

and lucky as I am, here comes trouble.
because hello stress level 8936507. it was only announced 10 days or so (I can't remember by now) before tickets went up for Berlin, but fortunately all general info, like prices, were up already for both, so we knew what we were in store for. 

even though they're only 2 days apart (Berlin is on Sunday 140727 and Stockholm is on Tuesday 140729) Berlin tickets would go out on 140614 and Stockholm not until 140628, and even though having to buy for both at the same time would have been hell, it's still better than this cos logistically speaking it's a nightmare cos the two dates are so close. 
so we had to choose between plane and train and prices and figuring out how to get to Stockholm on time if we also got tickets to Berlin.

of course hubs had to get extra time off from work, cos he's saving all his vacation time for Korea in August. but his boss is not unreasonable and in all the years we've always been able to go to every concert around Europe that we've gotten tickets for.

but I think the thing that freaked me out the most is that there are also high touch tickets in play. and before you wonder, no, my concern was never if we could get the high touch tickets or not, but if I would be able to even go through with a high touch cos even the theoretical possibility of being in that personal setting with them were completely freaking me out.

and obviously I had to decide before the tickets went up so we knew what we were going for, and I can't remember the last time I agonized over something this much.
I knew this would be a once in a life time shot. they are not gonna come to Europe again in a venue of these small sizes, there will probably not be high touch with this amount of people, plus the obvious chance of me not caring as much when/if they were to come back.
I knew I would absolutely hate myself if I didn't do this, but at the same time I was also realistic about my limitations, and I didn't want the stress of having the high touch after the fanmeet to ruin the actual show itself. I said agonize and I meant a g o n i z e.

on top of this, I discovered hubs would be away at a friend's house for their annual golf weekend when the tickets were released orz
fortunately the friend and his wife are really good friends of ours, so it would be okay for me to drive an hour to their house so hubs could help buy, and then drive home again and leave them to their whiskey and poker and World Cup football.

but this also meant that I ended up home alone the last two days, and Jesus fucking Christ, having to deal with something like this on my own is something I don't ever wanna do again. I didn't sleep until 6am Saturday morning and only for 2 hours, and my hands wouldn't stop shaking since Friday afternoon.
I did end up having a mini meltdown sometime Friday night, but it actually did somewhat help cos after I always end up more calm and not really giving a shit.

furthermore there was the tiny hope that Miranda would be able to come to Berlin, too, and we were gonna buy her ticket cos she had to work when they came out, and in a funny way this kinda settled the whole high touch issue without anyone hardly noticing. 
cos I knew she would want high touch no matter what, and since it would be too risky to try and do 2 different transactions, we were just gonna buy 3 high touch.

anyway. they whole ticket buy show was a mess as usual. high touch were already sold out as soon as the page even became available?? and then the website kept changing between tickets available and tickets not available, and doing that annoying thing where it lets you go through all the step but the last one before it says your request is not possible cos sold out -______-
in the end, the only tickets it would let us buy were general admission, so not even Early Entry for us. 

surprisingly, that really bummed me out. I thought I would have felt some sort of relief, too, cos avoiding that stress, but apparently I REALLY wanted this. too bad it couldn't happen.

so now hubs only had to get time off work, and this is how we end up back at the start of this post.
cos in the end hubs could only get one day/Monday off cos that week is right in the middle of summer vacation time so his boss had already granted time off for 4 out of 8 employees.
so yes, Berlin was safe, but hubs would not be able to go to Stockholm. 
sweet Stockholm with the much smaller venue, and a place where I would most likely be able to get close enough to actually see them, cos unfortunately that probably won't be the case in Berlin. not that I'm blind-blind, but get more than 8-10m away and I can't really see facial features clearly anymore. 

okay nevermind, boring. point being, that subconsciously I had apparently put all my hopes in Stockholm cos to hear that hubs couldn't get time off for that just completely stunned me. 
I wasn't even able to appreciate that Berlin was a go, and that the tickets we had already spent money on were safe.

that I am actually going to see my babies ㅠㅠ

but no, no Stockholm literally didn't compute at first and once it did, my first thought was, well, I'll just have to man up and go by myself then!
and then I started thinking about what that would in fact entail, and in my head I had barely even boarded the train to Sweden before a part of me knew this is just not gonna happen. and that's when I lost it. 

at first it was just the realization that even the theoretical chance of Stockholm was gone. like, we won't even have to deal with high touch and ticket battling. it's already decided.
and I was sad that it was the "good" venue that had slipped away cos I'm extra worried about being able to see cos we most likely won't bring cameras cos they're sounding super strict about it already.

but I can't go traveling alone.

what if I can't find my seat? what if I lose my ticket? what if I lose my bag? what if I get off at the wrong station? what if I get off at the right station? what if it rains? what if people look at me? how to public transportation in Sweden? what if I get lost? what if I get off at the wrong place? what if people look at me? is Stockholm safe? what if I get mugged? how to hotel? what if I can't understand Swedish? (yes, English, I know I just find it super lame having to resort to a 3rd language when Danish and Swedish are so similar) what if there are issues with the room? what if I have to talk to people? what if people look at me? what if I can't find the venue? what if I lose my ticket? what if I end up in the wrong queue/place? what if people look at me? what if I get into an accident? what will I eat? where will I eat? what if I lose my money? what if I don't have enough money? what if I bring my credit card but can't remember the code? what if my alarm run out of battery during the night? what if I get locked out of my room? what if I miss my train back? what if I lose my return ticket? what if I'm stuck in Stockholm with no ticket and no phone? what if people look at me? what if people talk to me? what if I have a panic attack? would anyone even help me? or would people just look at me?

yeah, I really can't go traveling alone.

and that's just a fraction of all the thoughts racing through my head. most of it is just this jumbled mess of feels that makes my body hyper sensitive, my palms clammy, my hands shake, and my throat and chest tighten.

this whole thing might sound completely drama queen and like I'm just overreacting, and obviously I am. I know that. I am extremely painfully aware of that, but that is what having my kind of personality disorder is like. 
because of course it's less about Bangtan and more about general feelings.

don't get me wrong, the thought of not getting to see them up close and even touch them for confirmation is killing me, but what made me cry and shake I was so angry and frustrated, was myself.

first of all, I wanted to kick myself for letting my feelings get the better of me, and keeping me from keeping calm and reasonable. 
because a big reason for the intensity of my disappointment with this was, in my head we were already there. we didn't have tickets yet, and hubs didn't have time off yet, but we were still there. 
and usually I NEVER let myself get too excited about things before we at least have tickets, but not this time. I guess that's what happens when you've had as much luck with concerts as we have. you get complacent on some level.. well, hello, reality check.

and if I had just been able to think about the actual date more, I wouldn't have had as high hopes cos since the date is right in holiday season, of course that would lower the chance of getting time off when others are already away. 
but everything else have always been during winter, and I was too busy caring about the fact that we don't have other plans on the fanmeet dates. 
/sigh why don't you think, Mia...

but more than anything I was just so fucking frustrated with myself. 
I have lived quite happily with my diagnosis for years now. I know how to work my surroundings and myself, and to set up a schedule that I'm able to handle, and if you met me, you probably wouldn't suspect that I'm not as normal as the next guy.

these days it is extremely rarely I have situations where I can't do what I want due to my disorder. I'm either able to handle things myself or I have hubs and my family and friends.
and I have accepted who I am and what I can do, and I can't even remember the last time I thought, "why can't you just be normal/like everyone else?!". 
I'm genuinely happy in life, which is more than so many people can say.

and then here's suddenly a situation with something that I so desperately want, and I can't even entertain the possibility only because of me. 
it made me more frustrated with myself than I have literally ever been before.
a couple of months ago hubs went to Sweden for a concert alone. he travels to Spain for work alone. people do things on their own all the time, so why can't I? why. can't. I. 
because odds are that I would most likely be able to get tickets for Stockholm based on how ticket sales went for Berlin. so why can't I?

for the first time in my life, I wanted so badly to just be like everyone else. to just be "normal".

and I have never had even the slightest urge for outwards reactions to emotional distress. I detest violence, and yelling, and kicking stuff, but at one point only the neighbours down on the lawn below my window kept me from throwing my drink out the window. sure, it was only water in a used Burger King paper cup, but it still scared me.

but I want this. so SO much. if you told me I could choose between high touch tickets for Stockholm and postponing Korea for a year, I would choose Stockholm. that's how much I want this.

after I was positive I wouldn't be able to go to Stockholm by myself, I even started thinking about who I could pay to bring. but the sad fact is, that since I have social issues I'm not really swimming in people, and the only real option would be my mom cos everyone else has kids that can't be left alone or they're out of the country at the time. as is my mom so she isn't even a real option anyway. 
and no, I wouldn't bring her to Bangtan, I'd bring her to Stockholm and she could roam around and do whatever while I did Bangtan.
I also thought about Miranda, but since even Berlin's sketchy I doubt going to Sweden straight after would be positively received.

tl;dr Stockholm's dead, and I'm not normal, but I am sad.

but oh my god, bless hubs and his wee heart. last night after dinner he stayed up, sitting with his laptop instead of going to the basement to work on putting his motorcycle back together, and so I asked him what he was doing (cos he likes to get stuck in Facebook for hours >_>), and he said he was searching around to see if there were people selling their high touch tickets for Berlin.

I just blinked at him cos honestly, at this point there is not a single Bangtan feeling not kept on a chokingly short leash. 
sure, let's see if anything pans out before the date, but I'm not even gonna think about it until he actually comes to me with good news. 
but did I get one of the good ones, or what? ㅠㅠ


this post was yet another confusing hot mess of feels. oops.

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