August 19th 2017

this post is dated back months cos I needed the time. the time to process, but also just the actual time to write this. I trust you'll forgive the incoherence considering the subject matter.


in one week, maybe even to the day, after almost two decades together, me and hubs are getting divorced. 


even now, saying or even writing it, still feels surreal. I mean, I feel it, when I stop and actually think about it, I feel it and it makes me cry instantly, but at the same time it's just. so. unbelievable. like incurable deceases or actual deaths or other things that are just as Final. (not that I'm comparing death and divorce, I am comparing the finality)

a...sexual?

today I read these three posts - here, here, and here (3rd link is dead now, unfortunately) - written by an asexual about, um, how to say...her views on life and love and sex from her/an asexual's point of view.

I was Googling "body worship" for something else, but that's another story.

anyway, you sorta have to read the three two posts before reading mine, even if you do know about asexualism.

-

[big fat disclaimer] before reading these posts I had absolutely no idea what asexualism was or meant, and to be fair, I still only know what this person wrote, and haven't researched or investigated the topic further.

so everything I'm about to say should not be taken as a comment on asexualism as a whole, but solely a reaction to these three posts, period.

I am not passing judgment on asexuals (I mean, love thy neighbour and all that), but merely reacting to some points that this individual set up.
and should you happen to be said individual, I hope you won't take offense. this is all out of curiosity and interest and ignorance, and cos you moved things in me.

family ties

my sister's ex-husband is a selfish douche and I am so fucking tired of him.

yeah, I said it...

I'm a member of several Facebook groups for Korean adoptees, and for some reason some of them have been extremely active lately.

obviously, I'm a member by my own choice, but it can be really emotionally draining to see post after post in my news feed because it obviously brings matters to my attention and triggers feelings.

me2day

I'm so done with drama.

of presents, procrastination, and what is my life even

January 22nd 2013

I once mentioned in a post that I might do another post about the wonder that is my tlist aka my twitter crew, but on second thought I won't. first of all, a lot of them changes over time, and secondly, no one mentioned, no one forgotten, if you know what I mean.
I will however gush a little about one of them here. ..so I guess one mentioned after all.

wherein I just don't give a fuck

this is gonna be such a random post but I need to get this out of my head and unfortunately I don't know anyone who I feel certain won't share the opposite view. don't get me wrong it's not like I need or only want people who agree with me, but right now I'm just honestly not in the mood for a debate.

kpop thoughts

I know that if you don't know me personally it must seem like I live in a pool of my tears. I don't - for the most part - but I am an emotional person and crying is the natural way for me to release when all those feels just becomes too much.

lol I dunno, it just struck me that lately it's all about crying and being a sad and emotional mess around here, and it's not really like that all the time, I guess it's just often the emotional times I need to vent here

so here we go again :)

Square 1

This will probably be irrelevant

When I did the last post almost 3 months ago it was my honest intention to take a little break, and then come back and finish the updates for the Sherlock promotions. Late, I know, but it would be for me cos I would like to have the chronology for later, and even though I didn't post I've been saving pics and videos so I could do it.

Well, you know what they say about even the best laid plans..

On the edge..

I am loving this comeback more than you will ever understand because I love this boy more than you will ever understand, and seeing him everywhere looking stunning and tired and happy and spaced out and absolutely fucking gorgeous is my driving force these days to be honest.

What's the rush?

A/N: This is the first post I've written over days and I not sure it's not a complete incoherent mess.


Wednesday November 2nd I had a date to go spend the day with The Knitting Club. It's two of my girls, and with both of them on maternity leave these days it's easy to set up these things during the day. We do this sometimes because all three of us like to do creative projects whether it be sewing, knitting, crocheting, re-vamping furniture, anything crafty, really. And we like to hang out.
These are always very nice dates and even if I don't have very many projects I love spending time with these girls and talk and hang out.

I ♥ drugs

So, yesterday was D-day.

I had to be at the hospital at 9:30 although the nurse told me I was 3rd on the OR schedule that day, so it probably wouldn't be my turn until a little after noon. But in case of cancellations or whatever they liked to have people in early to avoid gaps. Well, fine with me. Not like I had other plans..

I was barely keeping it together all morning, and once at the hospital I had to tell poor hubs, who likes to ask a lot of questions when he's interested and concerned, that he weren't allowed to ask me anything unless I said so. It was freaking me out, and when the sweet nurse asked me if I was okay I started to cry.
But that helped a little, and then we waited...
When we arrived she had already told me that the schedule had changed because there had been an emergency C-section first thing in the morning, so we had all been bumped for that. Oh well.

Side note: Why, oh, why must hospital underwear be how they are?!?

At a little to 11 she came back to inform me that the person in front of me in line had just been wheeled down to the OR, so the delay shouldn't be that bad after all. And then we waited..

And waited, but finally at 13:45 she came back and said they'd called up from the OR to let them know that I should stand by. She said that after that call patients were usually brought down within 45 minutes, but she had only just finished her sentence when two orderlies came to wheel me off! 
And then it was all so sudden and I didn't get to say bye to hubs or anything :'(

Getting wheeled through those corridors, laying there staring up at that white ceiling rushing by, knowing that I might have seen hubs for the last time (yes, I'm a drama queen, but it's not like shit never happens at hospitals after all)... I wanted to jump out of bed and just make a run for it.

I got parked outside the OR and after the orderlies left I just started bawling, I was so scared.
A nurse stopped and comforted me (I don't even think she was on my surgery team?) and I felt a little better. Another nurse came by and comforted me and I felt a little better.
Then the anesthesiology nurse came out and walked me through everything. He was very nice (hi, Michael ^^) and he had warm hands. I felt a little better.

Then I came in and climbed onto the table, (a little hard to do in a graceful way with short legs and no underwear on) and then all the prep began. Sweet Michael started filling me with all the good pre-drugs, and finally I stopped crying.
Mind you this was not 'feeling dizzy and high' drugs, this was just 'feeling sleepy and not caring' drugs AND THEY WORKED.

I don't know if it was nerves or the drugs but my saliva production apparently stopped and my mouth was seriously dry throughout and I kept "smacking my tongue" (sorry, don't know what that's called in any language, but you know how you do if your mouth is dry, right?) but nothing helped.

What hurt the most was getting the line put in for the drugs, and that didn't really hurt. I've had a million blood tests done by now and donated blood before the blood pressure meds, so I'm used to it.

The procedure itself was a breeze. Seriously. Everything went smoothly and according to plan. The fibroid was "quite large" aka 2cm x 2cm and took up most of the back wall of the uterus, whatever that means. But it was easy to get out so ┐('～`)┌
I kept anticipating when the pain would start, but it never came. Of course I could still feel what was going on, some pressure and light pinching, but no pain. The cauterization was the thing I felt the most, but it never hurt. It was just a warmth like if you pee yourself.

So I had plenty of time to concentrate on staying awake. I thought it would've been so embarrassing to fall asleep. What if I had started snoring really loud?! I have a weird thing about snoring cos everyone always comments on it, and I have the worst sleep when we have overnight guests.

And as soon as Michael stopped pushing the drugs it wore off in minutes and even before they'd finish cleaning me up and unhooking me to all the stuff, my head was clear again!!!
OH HAPPY FUCKING DAY. I was almost crying tears of joy when I was being wheeled back to my room. I was so clear I didn't even need to go to post-OR!

Okay, I'm done

And the first thing I asked the nurse when I got back to the room was "When can I go home?!". She told me I had to get up and walk around for a bit, but then a doc could consult and if I got the go-ahead I could go home.
I then asked if I could put on my own underwear (including the pad I brought from home because I've been to the hospital before and their pads? #DNW) and it was all good.
Then I wandered up and down the hallway for 30 minutes, but still no doc in sight. I did gather though that they were right in the middle of their changing of the guards, so I gave them a little time. And then we waited..

Suddenly hubs remembered that our parking license had expired by now, and that made me go ask at the nurses station if I could get that consult so we could avoid a huge parking ticket!
Doc came a looked at me and said all looked fine, so as soon as the nurse had been by to remove the line from my hand (I still had the saline drip hanging on) I was free to leave. Yay! And then we waited..

We decided that since it was getting close hubs should go get the car because we were parked a million miles away, and then I would just come down when I was done. So he left, and then I waited..
Then it got dark and I got tired of waiting. Seriously, I could've just pulled that thing out myself! So once again I went and bugged the nurses and asked if one of them had time to pull it out so I could blow this pop stand.

From I was wheeled down to surgery and until I was back in the room, it took all of 70 minutes. To get that doctor's consult and get the line in my hand removed took more than ONE AND A HALF. FLIPPIN. HOURS. And that was only cos I went and bugged them twice.
But finally free!!! 

And then it was straight home to make dinner!!!! GAAAAH ALMOST 24 HOURS WITHOUT FOOD WTFFF D: I was practically disappearing. But lots of delicious pasta/broccoli/avocado/tomato/mushroom/spring onions/chicken noms later I was hungreh no more.
And a few days of recuperating and the cramps should be gone. And it's not bad, really. So far no meds have been necessary.

Oh, and since everything went fine with the operating part he put in the new IUD while in there. Woot, sexy times!!! Well, as soon as I stop bleeding. Last time that took a fun 5-6 months to be completely over...........

The last thing to do before bed felt strange. Besides our families I actually had people that I needed to let know how everything had gone. People who had been praying for me and wishing me well. Sweet caring loving people who remembered and who was eager to know. I'm not really used to that...

Thank you, my lovelies ♥

The only remnant of yesterday (along with my bloody pad, but I'll spare you the gore muahaha). If only all surgeries could be like that.

If only all drugs could be like that...

왜...?

Yesterday I ate a small tin of sweetcorn. 


Since my insulin count..number..thing is through the roof and I'm 2 seconds away from developing diabetes I shouldn't be anywhere near sweetcorn or carbs in general, let alone eating it. I know this, yet I ate the entire tin. Granted, it was only, like, 120-130 grams, but still.


Why is it so difficult to do the things I know I should?


The things I want to do because I agree it's best for me, yet.. I don't. 
Like stay away from stupid sweetcorn when you know it could give you a life-long disease, or just diet in general. Or not even diet, just...stop the goddamn snacking. 
Or get off my ass once in a while and..move. Lose weight, get in shape, live happily ever after..


Why is it so hard to make myself a priority?

TMI

Come what may~ 


Today I went to the hospital

The Gap..

Since writing this post I have thought a lot about the whole issue of feeling lonely - not to be confused with alone. I don't feel alone.
Like I said earlier that was a post about my feelings and an image of how I felt in that moment. Feelings change and I have been fighting the urge to go back in and change the post, but I decided to let it be. I decided when I started this blog that I wasn't gonna be about disclaimers and apologies (unless necessary of course). This is my blog and I'm perfectly within my right to say what I want here. 


As long as I say what's in my heart I shouldn't have anything to apologize for it.

Loneliness

Monday marked the two year anniversary since I asked Holt to look for my parents.