Monday, 17 June 2013

보.여.줄.게.

I'm in love.

he's gorgeous, funny, cute, hard-working, talented, humble, caring, determined.. sexy. 
he's also shy, and when he talks about being lonely I just wanna cradle him to my bosom and never let go.
when he sings the sound of his voice alone makes me weep, and when he smiles or frowns of anything in between I feel like my heart's gonna burst out of my chest.

- ain't life grand, would be an expected continuation of that, right? 

I wish, but while all of that does apply maybe except the singing part sorry, his name is not hubs, it's Gyu.
and while all of that when in relation to hubs does make my life oh, so grand, right now Gyu is just making it a living hell.

cos I'll never get to hug him, and bury my face in the crook of his neck, and breathe him in. 
or run my hands down his chest, and etch every curve and dip into my memory, and feel his heartbeat. 
or to have him look directly at me without a camera lens between us. 
cos he'll never say my name or smile at me or even know I exist.
cos I can't have him in every single sense of the word.

and I am old enough to have had my share of both idol love crushes and real life love to know the difference. 
I wish it was just the first kind, as all-devouring as that can be.

can I go back to the days when kpop made me smile and gave me butterflies and was my happy place to escape to cos everything was perfect.
can I go back to the days when "bias" meant someone who brought me joy and smiles and made my heart skip a beat.
can I go back to the days when Inpiniteu was just that group with all those confusing members who all looked alike, and someone weirdly named "L".

can I? please?

instead of these days where even just the thought, let alone sight of him, makes me cry my eyes out for hours on end.
where I try to avoid even just the mention of their name, and where just the poster for their new DVD that won't even be out until September, for fuck's sake, made me have some kind of mini panic attack where I couldn't stop crying and shaking and I got dizzy and nauseous and I could barely breathe. from a goddamn DVD poster!?! I give up, I really do.


if any of this makes you side-eye me, or confuses you or makes you wanna judge the hell out of me cos he is an idol and I don't even really know him as such, go right ahead. you won't even be nearly half-way to where I am.

you think I did this on purpose? you think I chose this? you think I wanted for him to just come out of the blue and completely rip my heart to fucking shreds and blow every thing and every one else out of the water??

trust me. I didn't ask for any of this, this is not the reality I wanted.


and in case you're wondering, none of this means I don't like my life or my husband. we've been together for 14 years, and it's our 2nd anniversary in a week, and we're gonna have two hundred more of those.
he has saved my life more ways and times than I care to remember, and I would lay down my life for him. 
I will love him til the day I die, and I wouldn't trade him for anything - even Gyu, which just makes all of this that much more fucked up.


to be fair to Gyu, I do think this whole unrequited love thing also triggers something deeper in general about my life, and he somehow becomes a manifestation of all of that, of all the things I long for in my life that I can't have. 
like confidence. or social abilities. or to ever feel like I can be good enough for anyone else to love me back. 
or to know who my parents are.

and I want so so desperately to be able to separate those things again, you don't even know, it's fucking tearing me apart. 
to go back to living with/suppressing my short-comings, and being able to enjoy my music and my love again.

if I could at least just stop crying..


























but I'll make it. I'll get there. I can do this. please anticipate.

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